[dragonwriter]

> That phrasing makes her friend responsible for her feelings.

Expressing the speakers understanding of the impact that listener had on their emotional state so that it can be addressed is the point of the expression (which is not in exactly the optimum recommended form, but that’s a side issue), so that’s not at all an unintended result.

> It’s an accusatory way of expressing one’s emotional state.

It’s not a way of expressing an emotional state, its a way of expressing a relationship problem, of which the emotional state is a component, but not the central feature. And, yes, the speakers understanding of causation (the feature you call "accusatory") is central to the purpose.

> Nothing straight forward or honest about that.

It is exactly straightforward and honest, provided that it reflects the speakers honest understanding of the relevant causal chain.

Obviously, if that's not the case its not straightforward and honest, but then we are speculating beyond the information provided.

> It’s pure manipulation

No, its not.

[likeclockwork]

It IS a way of expressing one's emotional state. Perhaps one's emotional state is a relationship problem but causation has to be demonstrated.

Misunderstandings happen all the time. Sometimes people are in a fragile emotional state or have an "eggshell psyche". Goodwill doesn't grow on trees.

The form "you made me feel X" starts from the premise that the listener somehow assumed direct control over the speaker's emotional state and turned the dial setting them to feel terrible. That's not causation, unless you believe in magic.

The person who's feelings are injured has a responsibility not to make other people responsible for their emotional state. Their feelings don't just automatically create responsibilities in others. What kind of standard would that be?

[smoldesu]

Would the situation be any different if 2 or 3 guests came to the host and said they felt unsafe?

A lot of people in this thread are focused on questioning the guest's psyche and discrediting their reaction. Yes, people control their reaction to bad events. However, if you spend an entire evening being racist/sexist/somethingist, even inadvertently, then people will likely blame you for their reaction. There are a lot of dinner topics that would make me feel unsafe, and it's not hard to see how that would make someone feel unloved or ostracized.

So, the volley of blame continues. Instead of showing humility and mutually acknowledging that neither of you care about the problem, we need to write a Bustle.com article to absolve ourselves and extend the conversation into "therapy speech".

Regardless of who is right and wrong, this article promotes childish escalation over common understanding. It's such a ridiculous fallacy that it poisons the topic it actually wants to discuss, which is the impact of impersonal rhetoric between friends.