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by DANmode 1168 days ago
"I had feeling or negative consequence X because you Y."

is the "correct" method, for anyone else wondering.

2 comments

It's a bit more verbose, but I would recommend as a base framework (using Nonviolent Communication as reference): "When you X, I felt Y, because I wanted/needed Z". A few points. The first is that Y should not be something like 'that you are an asshole' or 'judged'. It should be 'mad', 'sad', 'hurt', etc. (see the book for a sizable list of suggestions). Principally it should be subjective and almost impossible to disagree with. Further X should be something that is objective and not a judgement. E.g., 'when you lazed around' is a fight starting judgement while 'when you slept earlier' is not. Z should ideally be something simple and candid like 'attention'.

It doesn't have to follow the exact formula. The formula is a crutch. For example 'you made me feel unloved' might instead be 'Today, you didn't talk to me as much as you normally do, and I felt hurt because I was wanting more attention'. The goal is to get across to the other person what you need/needed and how you felt without implying they did something wrong. If you say 'you ignored me' they might say 'What!? I did no such thing'.

Likewise the person responding to them could have tried to listen to they they 'really meant' instead of responding defensively. E.g., 'it sounds like you feel hurt because you wanted more attention?'. If you get it wrong, and the other person wants you to know, they will keep talking. If they keep saying the same thing over and over again, you just haven't gotten it yet.

Also, I caution against thinking of it as the correct way for any that don't take the scare quotes in the parent comment to heart. Eventually you may irritate someone severely by implying they are doing it wrong, and it will not help you achieve what you wanted.

That's even more of a therapy-ized response than the first one! You can accuse someone else of hurting your feelings, it just arguably doesn't matter. The host should honestly reply that it was a mistake or that they don't care, because both are better than arguing over whether it happened or not. The guest didn't present their concern perfectly, but the Ben Shapiro-esque response from the host doesn't exactly show much concern for what their friend is expressing. "Excuse me," is an erudite interjection best suited for when a kid at the country club accuses you of breaking their iPhone. If your first instinct is to question your friend's judgement call instead of showing humility, you probably don't respect them much at all.

Just my two cents, though. Nothing about the exchange these people had was unsalvageable or friendship-ruining, which is why I find it so funny that it's story is being used as an anti-woke polemic. Nothing bad happened here, they just ruffled some feathers and instead of telling us why, they accuse their friend of being the "therapy-speak" problem. It's practically paraphrased from an episode of Glee or something.