[provenance]

After falling on hard times post failed-startup/implosion/burnout (years ago), tried getting back into coding/hacking/sw dev last summer. I reached out here on hn, and was given help (thank you to everyone who helped: as my survival was in question, your help truly got me through). Did a few projects, did a ctf, and my brain started hurting and I imploded again.

I finally got another laptop a few months ago. Local guy brings me his Flutter codebase. Good chance to learn a new tech. It was going ok: I was superman for a few days learning the flutter/dart tooling, solving dependency hacks, getting it to compile, fixing bugs, and then, Bam. Can't code any more. Backed away.

Now, still burned out and homeless, but trying to start (another) hackerspace. Good distraction from the ashes of devastation.

I am unsure if I can write software for any sustained period of time ever again. It's scary since that's my only marketable skill and I'm still homeless and constantly scrapping for food money.

Some backstory: Despite repeated insistence from peers, skipped investing in bitcoin and ethereum at their beginnings and repeately thereafter, instead plugging away non stop on a dead SaaS product for a startup for years, which slowly failed; lost my partner, the life I had built, reputation, assets. Probably dealing with some trauma burn-in from this.

As for last summer, I distinctly remember the headaches from participating in the CTF. I had to, you know, think! Cool, solving tasks. Then, Bam! Splitting headaches.. :(

I still wonder if there's some zen place where one can focus intensely on a problem while remaining calm and at peace - never was able to find such a state of mind..

[tekkk]

It sounds your brains need some serious rewiring. I wouldnt worry about coding or focusing intensely at anything, just start exercising, doing hobbies and hanging around / making friends. Maybe a job that is more hands-on. You need to reprioritize and let go of the past failures. Therapist would probably help as well, but best is to learn to how to help yourself first.

[provenance]

I am outdoors 24/7 besides time in public food establishments, I bike 12-15 miles daily and am in good physical condition, I am starting a hackerspace, I speak to a therapist, and I have long since let go of past failures. I have done and still do hands-on jobs for food money.

A month or so ago, I was offered a prestigious cybersecurity job interview but declined. It would not be sustainable for me.

Very intense screen time gives me splitting headaches and I am generally unable to re-engage with coding.

[tekkk]

Well, it seems the conclusion is like in the old joke. "Doctor it hurts when i do this." "Stop doing that."

Just my outside perspective. I've had headaches as well from intense coding but those came from overexposure to blue light. I dialed down brightness, set up a red shift mode after evenings and used shield protector for a while. Went away after few months.

[provenance]

Thanks for sharing your perspective. I still would love to re-invigorate passion for coding as I had in my 20's. If I am in a better situation to try again, will keep in mind your experience regarding blue light overexposure.

[RugnirViking]

For what it's worth, I knew a guy who was in a similar situation to you, struggling in and out of a career he'd done for decades and was previously great at because of burnout. He fully gave up with his career in the end - bought a van and ran a landscaping business for a couple years (didn't work out but he doesn't regret it) and now he organises music festivals on people's farms and seems happy. He's not particularly wealthy (but not poor either, lives out in the countryside in a lovely big house) but seems to be doing really well.

[plaguuuuuu]

I wonder what sort of careers would be workable for coders, other than coding itself.

I'd probably be happy to be a teacher if it paid well.

[kapperchino]

That does not sound normal, you need to get this checked out. Meanwhile do work that doesn’t require too much thinking until you can get it checked.

[provenance]

I suspect that, under such conditions, the headaches are normal for someone at my age.

I can go from 0-100mph on a dime, which may have led to the headaches. I'm not passionate about coding, so I dive in without being warmed up.

Contrarily, with passion and a slow pre-heat, the headaches probably wouldn't happen. But I am not a passionate coder.

I may need to strongly consider nurturing non-coding tech skills. I'm doing some (very part time) engineering research for food money. No headaches.

Coding may be out for me, that's all. I can still participate in tech otherwise.

[quickthrower2]

It depends. If you haven't coded for a while, been homeless (= probably sleep deprived) and then do (making this up) a couple of 10 hour sprints on coding, especially with no rest it will hurt most people.