[gnat]

You're comparing your blooper reel to others' highlight reel. You're carrying a huge burden with you, and that you can get out of bed at all in the morning means you're stronger than people who stride casually through life carrying no burden.

I lost my son to suicide earlier this year, and I hope you don't do that. It's absolutely awful for everyone who is left behind, and they are never the same afterwards.

Keep trying therapists. Some specialise in particular areas, and perhaps there's one who specialises in your particular burden. Someone said to me "therapists are like shoes. Keep trying until you find one that fits."

Consider residential care -- check out of the daily pressures of life for a while and be with people who can help you all the time rather than once a week. I hope your family would be supportive if you made it clear that you were considering suicide.

Our son hid his pain from us, and while we knew he was struggling we didn't know the magnitude of it. If we'd known he was considering suicide, perhaps we could have helped him through it.

Much love to you. If you ever need to chat, I'm @gnat on Twitter or [e-mail] in email. As we say in New Zealand, "kia kaha!" (be strong).