[lll-o-lll]

Thanks a ton for this. As a father of a pre-teen daughter who begs for a smartphone every day, I’ve been anxious about how I’m going to deal with this situation. I’d only been thinking in terms of defence, and this article had me really worried. Planning for how to create the social opportunities is just as important. Defence and Offence. I really like it!

[andrei_says_]

iOS has excellent parental control tools, down to time allowance on per app level.

Of course a decision to use restriction would ideally be one made together with the child so that they can truly consent.

[prawn]

My oldest is 10 and oldest daughter is 8, so we're approaching this challenge. We've talked to them in a broad sense about the issue, but your post made me realise that tackling it together is worth a shot. e.g., lots of talk about what the issue is, and what opportunities there are to address it. And then work together to devise a strategy. Not just them saying to peers "My parents say I'm not allowed to do x."

[andrei_says_]

> Not just them saying to peers "My parents say I'm not allowed to do x."

Yes, that's the core of it. Working together on facing the issue while supporting increasing the agency of the child.

Anything forced onto them is just an external force to deal with. A decision made together, with own interest and long-term vision in consideration, with rules derived from these goals, are a very different thing.

One trains the child to submit + secretly subvert, the other nurtures trust and trains collaboration, openness, iteration etc.

[kortilla]

>that they can truly consent.

This is bullshit. They are not consenting. They are succumbing to coercion due to power dynamics at best or are straight up being overridden by what you want.

Parenting is not negotiating with an adult, especially if they are preteen/early teenage years. They are humans with terrible executive functions that would be wards of the state without you.

You can certainly explain why you’re making a decision, but it’s really just your decision.

[roomey]

Don't take consent too literally here.

You get a lot further by engaging and explaining things with a child, and proceeding with their agreement.

"Because I said so" is not a good approach, which I think the op meant

[golergka]

You're right that kids can't make decisions yet. However, they should be taught to, and in order to learn something, you should be able to attempt it, even if you fail.