Ask HN: How do I rebuild myself and lead a life of success?

[notmindthegap]

All my life I’ve wanted to be an entrepreneur, but my battles with childhood trauma, depression, anxiety, and obesity have kept that dream out of reach.

I now find myself in my mid-30s totally stuck and hopeless. Despite therapy and medication, my physical and mental health have nearly hit rock bottom, and my aspirations seem to be drifting farther and farther away. I find it hard to focus, to plan, to process information, to think clearly. Motivation is nonexistent. On top of it all, I can’t father children. I just feel purposeless and eternally broken, an evolutionary dud.

By posting here, I guess I’m looking for encouragement, a sign that rebuilding at this age and achieving success is possible.

[brookst]

Trying to lead a life of success is like trying to have a best-selling novel.

It’s possible, people do it, but there are many paths, and none of them are certain.

It’s a decision tree. Are you the kind of person who thrives on having huge goals that are a decade out , or are you the kind of person who’s more successful focusing on one foot in front of the other for ten years? Either way works, but not for everyone.

Of course success is possible. But success is not an activity. What activities will help you?

[thenaturalist]

Hi there, somewhat similar early-30s chiming in.

Here's my recipe, starting out with a question to you.

Have you ever been tested for ADHD?

I got diagnosed 5 months ago and it's been a turning point in my life in terms of understanding and accepting myself.

ADHD is overrepresented in people with childhood trauma and depression, anxiety or obesity as a form of self-medication negative emotions by eating are common second order effects of ADHD.

It is also often misdiagnosed as depression and treaded with anti-depressants in adults. Anti-depressants are not the same as ADHD meds.

If you wanna do a quick check I'd ask whether you feel like you haven't been able to achieve what you aspired because of a lack of consistency. You'd have a hard time sticking to a given project or topic for longer than 3 to 6 months.

Also listening to podcasts around adult ADHD can be an eye opener.

Hearing strangers describe emotions and thoughts extremely similar to my own was an eye opener for me.

Going beyond that question, I think there are really a few things you have to do in order to "achieve" success - but first and foremost be happy.

These are imo not negotiable:

- Eat healthy. A Roman poet once wrote "Mens sana in corpore sano" - a healthy mind lives in a healty body. What you eat and how your metabolism functions affects your mood and energy levels soooo much.

- Do sports. At least twice a week running is best. Running has been shown to be more effective in holding down biological age than cardio, gym or other sports.

- Sleep well. Obvious one.

Besides doing the above, I think you'll have to turn your mindset around 180 degrees.

I get where you're coming from: Our entire world is build up on expectations and comparing ourselves to others.

You certainly seem to hold a lot of expectations about what it means to be a man, what it means to be an entrepreneur, what it means to be successful.

In Budhism, unfullfilled expectations are the source of all suffering.

You should look in the mirror and ask yourself if all these expectations are serving you well. Are they getting you anywhere? Do they provide clarity as to what action to take next?

If you're like me, you'll find that most expectations are rather a distractor than a benefit.

I'd really meditate or journal on ridding yourself from most of these expectations.

You're putting yourself under so much pressure that you're like an deer frozen in shock, staring into the headlights but unable to move.

Nobody, least you, benefits from that.

Instead, what I try to adopt is a culture of asking what good I can do next.

While I'm neither religious nor Jewish, I find Jewish philosophy to offer many reasonable and effective stories or principles in guiding that line of thinking.

For example counting your blessings.

Before you set out to start your day/ a challenge etc. consciously write down or think about all the good things you have right now.

Your intelligence, your education, your skills, a very close friend you value, whatever. Focus on your resources, on what gives you strength.

Or going from thinking ego-centric with a nebulous end result in mind (I, the millionair entrepreneur) to service-oriented thinking or leadership.

With the resources you have, how can you make a difference in this world?

Who needs your skills, your love, your humor, your compassion, your time?

I find I can quickly come up with very actionable answers to these questions and they yield more organic, incremental goals within reach.

Man, imo doesn't matter if you can father children or not if you wanna be a father.

Do you know how many children out there are in dire need of a loving father but don't have one?

If you wanna be a man and raise a child, you'll have most likely opportunities to adopt. Nothing's stopping you from being an awesome dad.

Last but not least, in moments of self-doubt I remind myself of another Jewish story of Rabbi Simcha Bunim I stumbled across some time.

He was basically going through life with two papers, one in each pocket of his coat.

One was inscribed with "The world was created for me" and the other with "I am nothing but dust and ashes".

And both is true and normal. Helps me focus again on the present and how I can help someone or something improve right now.

I hope this might be helpful to you.

There is no objective success man, SV entrepreneurs pay for their success with time, stress, lack of human relationships.

I couldn't (ADHD, childhood trauma) but also wouldn't wanna do that.

What each of us has to find out imo is what we're able and willing to pay for success. Only that is truly within reach and also enjoyable to pursue.

[maxk42]

How do you define success?