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by retrac
1221 days ago
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> my boyfriend Would it be safe to assume you are either a woman, or a gay man? I am in my late 30s, of average attractiveness, and below-average suaveness. If I open Grindr in a large city and create a profile with one of my cuter selfies, I get so many messages I literally would not be able to reply to all of them. From what I've pieced together, that is not what would happen to the heterosexual version of me. Many men on dating sites will never be initially messaged by a woman. Various sources where dating apps have made their data public in aggregate, suggest women are about 80% less likely to send the first message than men are. So they have to always initiate. And then most women they send a message to never reply. That must be incredibly demoralizing. |
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I see what you mean. I tried out a few dating apps and it was surprising how many messages were coming in from different directions. I just didn't have the time or energy to talk to all these people at once. I wasn't swiping on many people at the same time in the first place, but even juggling 2 or 3 conversations would be too much sometimes (especially if I was already having one really interesting chat with someone else, that kind of got all my attention). This resulted in some contacts being ignored, especially if all I got from them was a "Hey" or something, which unfortunately only contributes to the demoralizing aspect of not being replied to.
One app where I didn't feel that pressure was Bumble. At least at the time the rule was that on Bumble, women had to message first (not sure if it still works like that?) I liked that because it created a slower pace - I was able to swipe on people whose profiles I liked, but then take more time to initiate the conversation once matches came in. That also made me more selective about who I matched with; knowing I'd have to approach them, I'd look for profiles that had some especially interesting or unique information for me to use for an opener (because I didn't want to be one of those people just sending "hey").
So that "I message first" aspect was what made me prefer Bumble specifically. Less potential bombardment seemed to create a more slow-paced, thoughtful, selective experience.
I ended up only going on 4 dates from my dating app experimentation, one of whom became my current boyfriend. By "smooth process" in my previous reply I suppose I was mostly thinking about this part. I went into it because I hadn't really dated before. I mostly just wanted to meet interesting people and see what it's like to actually go on a date, not so much for a relationship. There are so many horror stories related to safety, meeting jerks, meeting people who didn't look like their profiles, etc. Everyone I met was luckily a really decent guy and I had no bad dates, even if it didn't go anywhere.