[lame-robot-hoax]

I don’t feel comfortable telling people I love them outside of a serious relationship, so this always makes me feel a touch weird.

Like, my best friends, I love them in a sense I guess…but I wouldn’t say that. It just doesn’t feel natural to me. I’d characterize our relationship as close, and that I care about them a lot, but “love” isn’t something that comes to mind outside of my parents or someone I’ve been in a long term relationship with.

I’m not sure why. Maybe it has to do with being an only child. Maybe it has to do with all my grandparents dying when I was young, and not being that close with extended family, so there was never really anyone to love outside of my parents for the vast majority of my life prior to any long term relationships.

[geocrasher]

You need to understand that expressing love, and being in love are separate things. Saying "I love you" to one of your buddies doesn't mean you're lusting after them, just that you care about them in a deeper way. I still struggle with it, but I say "I love you, brutha!" or "love you, dude!"

I'm also an only child. I wasn't told "I love you", I was told "shut up". Being able to say "I love you" to somebody in the context we're discussing has been a game changer for me. It's just so freeing.

[lame-robot-hoax]

I mean I very much understand the difference, as I said in my original comment, I don’t just see love as an intimate thing with a partner, but as a way to express love to…well…loved ones. Like parents or family. I guess I just have for the vast majority of my life only associated with expressing love and caring via saying “love you” to my parents, that it feels as if it’s almost reserved for them. And then of course the “in love” meaning is reserved for a relationship.

Like, even when I’m around extended family that says love you, I just feel awkward and almost forced to respond with love you too back to them. Like I care for them of course…but I would never say I love you to one of them without them saying it to me first.

[solarmist]

I have reframed how I interpret feeling awkward because of things like this.

Awkward is the feeling of trying something new (a form of play). Similar to giddiness.

Like trying out a new style of clothing, it's just the feeling of a new experience.

It's an intense sensation because we don't allow ourselves to feel as adults and assume it means I did something wrong/bad. No, it's just the experience of doing something different than you've always done. The context can tell you if it is problematic, but usually, it isn't something others notice.

[halkony]

I like this perspective. Sometimes I notice that the people I value aren't quite ready to hear it from me.

When that happens, a funny thought pops into my head -- love is a four letter word.

[FumblingBear]

Totally get where you're coming from with this, so if you're uncomfortable with that type of language in contexts where it doesn't make sense for you, don't feel pressured.

However, in my own life, I've found that there isn't some limited supply of love I have to share with others—in fact, it's been the opposite experience. The more freely I love those around me, the more fulfilling I find those relationships to be.

I am more reticent to use that language quite so flippantly with those I am actually romantically interested in though. When the potential for misunderstanding is there (i.e. romantic love vs platonic love or eros vs. philia vs. agape love to use koine greek terms), I tend to err on the side of caution so I don't accidentally communicate a level of depth that I don't intend.

[colinsane]

give it time :-) love might be a foreign thing in friendships if they’re all based only in hobbies or if your circle’s changing every year. stick with anyone for a decade though: watch them go through breakups, career changes, and grow into themselves — watch everything around the two of you change even as that friendship persists — and only a true stoic will insist that there’s no love there.

i’m not sure extended family is the right analog for this love. as you hint, that family is kinda forced on you, and that implicit v.s. opt-in nature of family vs friendship has big implications for how open you can be with each other, for example. it’s really its own thing.

[caxco93]

I guess spanish made this easier with 2 separate verbs.

You can say "te amo" to your significant other and "te quiero" to your friends and family.

[justin_oaks]

It's unfortunate that English doesn't have enough words for different kinds of love: lustful "love", romantic love, brotherly love, general love of humankind, appreciation for non-human things (e.g. I love these shoes!), different words for levels of love (e.g. between "like" and "love"), etc.

Instead they're all lumped into "love". Ugh.

[throwawaywu]

Your examples show that you can express these ideas in English quite fine.

[gardenhedge]

It sounds like you have normal and healthy relationships. I doubt they'll improve if you just start saying I Love You and I doubt they need to improve.

[kojeovo]

Try it :)