[buffington]

> After failing to understand an explanation, I feel I shouldn't ask again for fear being labelled "dumb"

What would be the worst thing that could happen if you did ask again? Would you get fired? What if you don't ask, and make a mistake for lack of knowledge?

> Has anyone felt like me?

I have. And I know what it feels like to be reluctant to ask for help. I struggled with it for years. I had the attitude that knowing all the answers was part of my job, and not knowing meant I wasn't qualified.

I was very wrong for a lot of years.

Here's how I think of things today: asking is honest, pretending to know when you don't is a lie.

Of course it's not as simple as that though.

You still need to do your part.

If someone says "The QOS process that the Triage team rolled out last week is broken and flooding the POC terminals with bleep blorp alerts," you need to find the balance of what's "askable" and what's "researchable."

How you find that balance takes practice, and probably depends on how you learn.

My rulebook:

If it's domain specific, I don't waste a second not asking. I'll interrupt executives in meetings asking for clarification and understanding. It'd be dangerous not to, since I trust that they know how to do their job as much as they trust me to do mine. If I don't ask, I risk delivering work that is based on whatever my imagination came up with to handle something I know nothing about. Asking someone who knows is always less expensive than trying to answer it myself. The answer I'll get is also much more likely to be accurate than if I draw my own conclusions.

If I need to know how to do my job better, it depends. As a programmer, there are things I must know that have nothing to do with the domain I'm working within. Stuff that I bring to the table as a programmer. Stuff that transfers to jobs in totally different domains. As an E8 staff engineer (think highest level senior engineer at a company), there aren't a lot of people I can talk to about my programming question though. For those kinds of questions, it's my job to find the answer on my own.

More junior? Ask every time.

Not senior but not junior? I'd want to compare what it costs me, in time and money, to find the answer on my own compared to what it costs in time and money for me to ask someone who knows. Almost always, it's better to ask.

The reason?

As an E8, it's also my job to answer questions from junior engineers. It's the best part of my job too, because it means I get to help someone grow as a person and in their career, but also be better at their job, which helps me and the company I have equity in.

My advice to you specifically: ask questions until you understand. When you do understand, immediately offer to give a presentation on what you learned so that others can learn too. There's no single thing that's more effective in helping yourself learn something then to agree to give a presentation on the topic.

[rcd2]

> What would be the worst thing that could happen if you did ask again? Would you get fired?

It's about "reputation" and about what your peers think of you. I feel that how others perceive is very important for career progression inside a company. It's common for managers to ask team mates for feedback during performance reviews. This was (and is) my fear.

[buffington]

TL;DR:

You need to overcome learning challenges, be tenacious in seeking understanding, and share what you know with others. That's what makes for a confident high performing employee.

**

For better or worse, you want people's perception of you to be accurate.

To do that, you need to figure out how to understand the concepts or bigger picture and demonstrate that understanding through your actions.

To be able to do that, you really need to figure out how to best understand and retain the stuff you're having a hard time with. That probably means being more proactive and noisy in meetings where these concepts are shared. If you don't understand something, you have to advocate for yourself and fill in your gaps by asking.

When your peers are thinking about your performance they will either see you making choices that are well informed and aligned with the bigger picture, or they'll see you making choices that are just guesses.

Right now, you should be figuring out why you're having a hard time understanding and retaining things. Start with a good foundation. Healthy sleep, exercise, and anything physiological that stands in the way (learning disabilities, ADHD, dislexia, etc.).

Then focus on the process. Does taking notes work? What if you record meetings and slowly listen later on, repeating parts as needed?

If you learn well with guidance and curriculum, seek out professional courses to help you learn. If the knowledge you're lacking is very domain specific or unique to your company then make the curriculum yourself. Make a goal of teaching other people the things that are unique to your company and not only will you learn it, you'll teach others.

I can't stress this enough: ask questions, take copious and clear notes so you don't need to keep asking the same questions. Ask more questions if you have gaps. Restate the concept out loud, then ask if you're getting the concept. Repeat until you've got it. If you approach it with the intent of helping others learn, you'll be much more diligent about reducing complex ideas into easier to understand chunks.

You'll also be helping your peers. Someone in the room will inevitably be just as confused as you were before you began asking questions to help improve your understanding. Do you think those peers will think you're not capable, or do you think they'll be grateful you had the guts to ask?

If you're working for a company where asking questions is discouraged then maybe start looking for a new role somewhere else. It's not just a red flag for how your experience will be at that company, it's a massive red flag for the viability of the entire company. A company that isn't an expert within their domain is one that's always reacting to market forces, but never leading.

Don't convince yourself that asking questions is a sign of weakness. It's part of your job.

I literally just got out of an hour long meeting with a CTO of a fintech company where all she did was ask questions. The reason: she needed help getting up to speed on something that wasn't even all that difficult to understand but had a broad impact on her organization. It's part of her job to ask questions so she can make informed decisions.