[madrox]

There's a lot here to unpack, but I don't believe this is a red flag. CS is not a "gimme" major. If he's continuing to pursue it and the college isn't weeding him out, then he's clearly doing alright and has enough enthusiasm for the major. Let him continue.

On a more personal note, I don't believe this is any of your business. Your son is a grown adult. Perhaps he's getting a degree on your dime, but he needs to make his own choices in his education, and you aren't living his experience. You're very focused on "tinkering" as a tell for whether he's in the right degree, but only he can know if he's happy in his major.

My wife had a father who was very involved in her choice of majors, and it left her with anxiety and a sense that her college years were wasted. She was left feeling like getting his approval was more important than reasoning through her own decisions. The best thing you can probably do for him long term is let him make decisions, even if you think they're wrong.

[enlyth]

Thank you so much for saying this. My parents were very involved in my choice of education, I was indirectly pressured to go to medical school, which ended up with me dropping out because I was never the type of person to sit down for days on end and memorize fat stacks of Latin anatomy books.

I eventually became a software developer, and it took years of catching up and self education alongside working shitty jobs.

[bloppe]

Maybe OP is just thinking of bringing it up for their child to reflect, not apply pressure. It's unclear.

[poulpy123]

I disagree with you on the general but agree on the specific here. I think parents need to be reasonably involved with their children even when they are students, but here the child seems to do well so there is no reason to worry

[cweagans]

> I think parents need to be reasonably involved with their children even when they are students, but here the child seems to do well so there is no reason to worry

OP is talking about a full grown adult. Not a child.

[jhanschoo]

Indeed, the adult child of the parent. The word child in English can refer to a very young person, but also commonly refers to the progeny of a person, as in the comment you were responding to, where child was used in reference to the parent that was also referred to in the comment.

[xboxnolifes]

To a parent, they will always be their child.

[derstander]

> OP is talking about a full grown adult. Not a child.

This is an interesting tangent to me. What makes a full grown adult? Is it being able to drive a car? Being able to serve in the military? Being able to drink? Vote? In the state where I grew up, these were all different ages.

And then there’s the scientific notion of when the brain is “finished” developing and maturing in the mid- to late-20s.

[cweagans]

In the context of the original ask, I would say "legally allowed to make their own gd decisions about what to study". No idea why OP feels the need to insert himself into that process.

[derstander]

That's fair, but certainly not my definition of a full grown adult.

[poulpy123]

English is not my native language, what word should I have used ?

[wilg]

It's not an incorrect word, but it can be possibly misconstrued as being infantilizing, because "child" somewhat implies a young person. But I can't think of a better word!

Perhaps it could have been more a bit more tactful to reword to avoid saying "child", like saying "your son is doing well" in this case.

[Symbiote]

Son or daughter avoids the possibility of infantalizing an adult child.

[wilg]

That’s what I said. Unfortunate that there is no obvious way to make it gender neutral.

[kbrannigan]

An adult child is still the kid of her parents.

[smegsicle]

saying 'his child' wouldn't imply child-age as much as 'the child' does

[kazinator]

Johnny, your Algorithms 360 professor is telling me you're falling behind, but I see you're studying nothing but Databases 413, in which you had 97% in the midterm.

Maybe we have to reprioritize your focus.

Sigh, you know, it's the same old story like back in kindergarten.

[Symbiote]

I was very pleased when my parents wrote to my tutor, but she replied saying the Data Protection Act (predecessor to the GDPR) did not permit her to discuss anything.

[madrox]

I tend to agree with you. Hard to unpack all this nuance in an HN comment. I've found that there's a middle ground between "making" a child do something and being involved in their life.

[superdeeda]

Posting on forums about whether your adult child is tinkering or not is probably past that middle ground, to be honest.

[mock-possum]

Agreed, this reminds me a lot of the "if you're a REAL programmer you'll have software-related side projects" line of thought - it's like, no, I do my REAL programming professionally, I spend my free time doing whatever I want. Just because I enjoy programming doesn't mean I spend every waking second writing code.

[kazinator]

I would say the CS that I remember wasn't a gimme major; not sure about nowadays.

[deltree7]

Both Indian and Chinese kids continue to excel in every industry, despite heavy involvement from parents. (and happy)

OTOH, I've seen many White students raised by liberal parents with too much student debt (and depressed).

So, unless there is data to prove that "letting 18 years old to make their own life changing decisions" on their own, we need to stop this overly progressive method.

[xupybd]

It's a mixed bag. My Asian wife had heavy involvement from her parents. For her I think it worked well. For her brother not so much.

I think it's a matter of degree. Many in the west could have more involvement in their children's education and see better outcomes. Many outside the west could give their children a little more freedom and see better outcomes. Neither is perfect.

[strangattractor]

And sometimes heavy involvement with a Therapist later as an adult.

[david38]

It’s a lot better to be wealthy and pay a few grand a year for therapy than to be always broke and unemployed.

[para_parolu]

This is false dichotomy.

[tluyben2]

Depends what the therapy is for I think. There are mental struggles worse than broke and unemployed for some, even with a lot of money.

Parents should encourage, not force imho.

[superdeeda]

This does not check out. Some of the happiest people I know are also some of the poorest people I know. And some of the unhappiest people I know are also some of the wealthiest people I know.

[_448]

Here is a song from a popular Hindi movie that tackles this subject (this movie was a hit even in China): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbCRtrrMvSw

There is tremendous pressure on students from both parents and society. This is because of the competition. The population is so huge, the infrastructure bad and opportunities far less. So it becomes a rat's race.

[peruvian]

> (and happy)

Lol, ask most South Asian Americans or Asian Americans how they feel about their parents.