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by esotericCaveman
1262 days ago
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I'm on a similar path, maybe a couple steps ahead. I have a disease which caused constant severe pain from ages 12-29 (currently 31 y/o). I wanted to die for my entire adult life. 2 years ago I started an elimination diet which dramatically reduced my pain. So I know everyone says this, but controlling diet and other substance intake (alcohol, cigs) is a really big deal. I also started microdosing mushrooms a year ago. I know you said you tried psychedelics, but I don't know if you've tried microdosing; Before I tried it, I always thought it was ridiculous and kind of an abuse/waste of psychedelics. But I like to say that the mushrooms are teaching my brain how to feel good: Maybe they repair connections in the brain or whatever, but I just needed to kick-start having a good day, so my brain could have an example of how that works. Another major step was finding a new community...My experience is that when you're depressed, people come to expect it from you. Even if you're in a particularly good mood one day, your friends and family will kind of prompt you to act depressed. They do it out of love, probably, but it makes it that much harder to break the pattern. One more piece, which may or may not be appropriate for you, is utilizing sex workers. Having trauma and pain, it was always a shitty experience for me to seek physical comfort. If you aren't ashamed of it, paying for affection can be a great way to meet your needs in a simple, non-judgemental way that's less emotionally and physically draining. |
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I would caution against this. Many if not most sex workers are also dealing with significant pain and trauma, and by using and abusing their bodies for your own needs, you are likely to be exacerbating this.
See e.g. https://www.adoptnordicwa.org/uncategorized/insights-into-pr... for an account of what sex work is like 'behind the scenes'.