Ask HN: Is it normal to like people at a distance and dislike otherwise?

[ogoparootbbo]

People wise, as I grow older, I seem to like keeping people at a distance i.e meet them in person and go out for food at most once a year and no contact beyond that. Beyond that distance, people tire me, bore me. I seem to have no interest in getting to know them better other than while conversing during that one meetup/year. I actively dislike people who try to keep in touch all the time and want to grow closer. Was wondering if anyone else is like this?

[themodelplumber]

This is modeled really well by personality type theory. For example, you can model groups with two broad systems of feeling: Interpersonal relating, energy, and signaling vs. Personal values/interests-focus, uniqueness, & authenticity.

You are demonstrating the latter, describing in an authentic way how you are bored/disinterested by the former. People in the same group usually have a "bad boy" side that comes out if it's dragged too much by the interpersonally-smooth camp.

Note that there are attendant blind spots, e.g. diplomatic language & technique, which is sometimes really wise to use, is generally found more in the first group than in the second. Also, one might feel pressure from a third party to act inauthentically, and tow a party line, and then later explode in some inappropriate way because hey--that's BS!

Not everybody likes to hear about it, but a great way to succeed in a world of people on both sides of this divide is to find a way to use the best of both sides when appropriate for the situation. Preferably planning those moves when some patience is available...

[jesuscript]

Is it healthy to pathologies this stuff? Many people already have a tendency to over analyze (the voice in one’s head) their own self, and carry forward that practice in labeling/analyzing others.

Once you also accept a label, you can often close yourself off to possibilities, e.g - I’m just not that type of person.

Maybe this is one area we just leave alone.

[anonymouskimmer]

Can you specify the typology you got this from?

[themodelplumber]

In saying "can model" it's really more of a subjective treatment, not so much referring to any particular object.

There are many typologies, easily hundreds, which go into these topics at different levels and in different ways. JCFs in general are a pretty common element in this kind of modeling within personality type.

You used the "typology" rainbow word, which is more than I'm used to reading here, but I'm not sure what kind of experience you're in it for. A friend made one of those once maybe, or you sense a given system to critique because you recognize the the sound of it being related, or a new type-thing to learn about, hell yeah that's your day job, or just familiar with the word typology, etc.

[anonymouskimmer]

Ten years studying personality theory, with an emphasis on the Enneagram and instinctual variants. I've paid at least cursory attention to a half dozen to a dozen or so other systems. And I made an original synthesis between the the instinctual variants and Guilford's structure of intellect.

I'm just curious exactly where you're getting this from. Family dynamics, instincts? I'm curious to read more detail.

[themodelplumber]

JCFs are a good candidate for sure then. I'd dive into Fe and Fi for starters. Two feeling functions in different, opposite attitudinal roles (in, out; subject, object).

And the Jungian principle of opposites doing war; causing war. Transcending opposites, creating the third point.

That doesn't narrow it down much I know, but this was a long time ago for me and I kind of got sick of everybody's personal One True Model. To me they're all just toys or toy building blocks for telling stories, in a very important way.

(BTW to clarify, a lot of what I write here is also me modeling by internally referencing unlabeled systems or constellations of models for their derived effect, not just me referencing this or that model. So it would send the wrong message to send you some kind of chapter and verse anyway, and if I could do that it might even be ten models per word, depending)

When you related that you made an original synthesis you almost activated my thread-ejection seat; it so happens that I overdosed on this kind of discourse years ago due to my own enthusiasm for progress of such an amazing sort. :-) It's a fun domain. Good luck to you.

[anonymouskimmer]

:D

[simonmesmith]

I can relate to this. For me, I think it comes from a combination of wanting meaningful conversation (which doesn’t need to happen too frequently because you run out of meaningful things to discuss), having minimal interest in networking based on where I’m at in my career, having less time for frivolous meetups because I have many work and family obligations and want more time to myself, appreciating other things like spending time in nature and wanting to devote more time there, and being more discerning about who I spend time with.

It may change again, and perhaps there will be a point where I want to see people more frequently and frivolously. But right now, I have a strong urge similar to what you describe.

[jesuscript]

You sound like you are too cool for school. It’s a phase. I’m actually going through it myself. There will be a point where you will want to be less of a recluse, but now isn’t that time. It’s okay. It’s funny, I was never that loner kid in school but I’m going through that loner phase right now. I’m tempted to just start wearing goth clothes and eyeliner. It’s almost as if life is truly anachronistic, and you will at some point live out every role. Linearity was an illusion in an evolving life.

Stay open.

[dieselgate]

You mentioned some good stuff but personally think this is more nuanced than someone being "too cool" for other people - of course that can be a part of it but not always, we're all different.

[jesuscript]

It is certainly nuanced, and one can argue that behind the isolation is a defense mechanism of one who does want to engage but is fearful for however many reasons. It could be shyness, masked by an ego that won’t allow them to be vulnerable (hence the ‘I’m not shy or scared, I just don’t want to be bothered’).

Or it could be resentment. I’m kind of weird, and say weird things, and often entertain weird ideas and say weird shit. I’m tired of being misunderstood for the n-th time. How about I just keep you all at a distance?

But ultimately, most importantly, it could be that life is not that serious. Hence the too cool for school.

Everyone from time to time has a reason to take a step back, no big deal.

[thensome]

My mom and I are both like this. There's enough to do alone. I think there's also a lot of ambient cultural pressure (at least in the US) to socialize pretty frequently compared to other locations or past times. Obviously there were always people who were super extroverted and would be hosting parties and showing up at their friends' homes all the time, but back when there were only letters and maybe telegrams it would have taken a lot longer to plan to meet.

Something that I've actually enjoyed my whole life is writing letters. (and writing online)

Anyway, to answer the question more directly, I think it's common but those of us who do it all end up being considered abnormal by someone. :P what are you gonna do lol

[christophilus]

I am like this. I have enough people in my life, and people who are trying to “keep in touch” are annoying and feel needy to me. I dislike other people’s company much of the time and find that the majority of things that are said are often better left unsaid.

But… I’m not normal by just about any metric, so you may have cause for concern.

[dieselgate]

There are certainly a lot of people like this (and naturally they are probably not going to be folks we interact with/see much), if it works for you and you still do your best to be a kind person whenever possible then I'd say go for it.

Heard someone say before "my best friends are the ones I never see and talk to" and that's still valid, we're all different.

The book called "Quiet" talks about the "extroverted ideal" and I personally found it to be a good read and recommend it to others

[soueuls]

Not exactly the same feeling because I do have few close friends (most of them I don't see very often because I left my home country, without any intention to really go back)

But, I like strangers.

I like exploring cities, chasing hidden bars, drinking some cocktails with a person I have just met few hours earlier.

Converse, debate.

And then never meet again.