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First, seek professional help even if it's remote. Suicide is never a good answer. In fact, it would just hurt those you love about deeply. Second, the best of your life isn't behind you because you're 43. I say this with 100% certainty because I'm your age. Remember, the meaning of life, the universe, and everything is 42 and that was just last year. That's right baby, nerd joke! Immutability is great for programming, but not as life advice. You can change, the biggest challenge starts with changing your mindset. I know that's hard and requires a) consistent affirmation in know your worth and ability. b) it takes time, but fighting and pushing for growth is the meaning of life. c) You're the same person you were as a youth, but you're lying to yourself about self-worth. It's not that you don't want to live, it's that you don't want to continue with your behavior and mindset; but you're uncertain of how to start the cycle of change. Here's what I do daily. 1. Wake up - get washed, vitamins, eat plant based, kefir, scrub my balls until they shine.
2. Work - On my own projects, work for my client, etc
3. Go for a walk - I don't care if it's colder outside than my ex-girlfriend. I go out!
4. Talk to people - Socialize and talk to people. Do it without fear - I will anything to anyone in a light hearted and joyful way.
5. Affirmations - each day I tell myself about the good I've done in life and how things changed. I can tell you for certainty that life was not kind to me, but I refuse to let life win. If you want someone to talk to, someone who has felt the way you have, who went from doing well to giving it all up, to regaining it, to feeling like giving up physically, etc.. let me know. You have a moment in your life to turn this all around and show your family, friends, and yourself how you're a bad motherfucker you are. I love the struggle and I turned it into a game. Honestly, seek professional help and if you like - we can talk. I'm very transparent about my life with everyone.
P.S., Money doesn't change these feelings. I know that sounds like bullshit, but it's true from my experience. |