[khyryk]

I could type out a long essay that could potentially have relevance to a few points at play here, but let me try something else.

While your attempts to create direction/meaning/etc. for yourself have largely, by your account failed, it seems that you're sufficiently responsible to maintain employment doing software development. As you say, it gives you something to do, and for whatever reason, it makes enough sense to your mind as a motivator to keep at it for the long term.

What if you were to get a dev job that's 100% in-office? Yes, it's forced interaction, but unless you're ultimately a sociopath or something, you'll create enough context with people to potentially form some friendships that can extend beyond work hours. Don't be like a sad puppy following everyone around and don't be an aloof hermit hiding in your cubicle or whatever setup there would be -- both of those things would halt any progress. Observe the social environment and look for opportunities to get involved in the ways that you may be interested in without forcing yourself to be the opposite of who you think you are. If you don't know what you're interested in, then observe until you start getting some ideas. You have the ability in you -- being a software dev requires some level of imagination.

Maybe there's a delivery team monthly bar meetup -- go to that. Maybe there's a department-wide softball match every quarter -- go to that. Go and give it a try, and if it doesn't work out, at least you'd have the satisfaction of having tried.