[Subsentient]

Sometimes, I think about what I really want. What I want most in the universe, for myself. There's plenty I want for everyone else. I seldom let myself think about what would be good for me lately.

Sometimes, like tonight, I do know what I want for myself. It's impossible, but it's my greatest desire for my life.

I want to be "uplifted". I want my brain capacity to be expanded by orders of magnitude. I want to understand, I want to comprehend, I want to see it all and fully understand the shape and implications of all things in my sight. I want to be more than a human mind. I want to be far, far wiser. It's not power I want. It's knowledge. It's understanding.

[mostertoaster]

I get this. The problem is whenever I gain some new depth of knowledge it expands my mind such that I also realize more of how little I know. Yet the pursuit of it is still thrilling.

[rakejake]

I oscillate between this (having an expanded brain capacity) and the exact opposite (a more limited brain capacity, the ability to take things one at a time, be eternally optimistic, not have your mind race all the time, sleep instantly when you lie down).

[klipt]

> sleep instantly when you lie down

The secret to this is lots of exercise (and maybe good sleep hygiene).

IME insomnia is mostly a result of being sedentary all day.

Never had insomnia when camping and hiking multiple hours each day.

[rakejake]

True. I'm not an insomniac or anything close and I exercise regularly. I think sleep hygiene and sleep posture (and breathing during sleep) are the last pieces of the puzzle. Still working on it.

[Subsentient]

It's true, what intelligence I have (not particularly impressive) has already caused me enormous suffering.

Yet, there's this piece inside me that tells me that "the only way out, is through".

[rakejake]

Yeah I've been there. But I don't think you can improve your working memory or your "intelligence" (however you choose to measure it) much beyond your baseline (which could be quite high already, compared to the average). And the only way to stay at your baseline is by having a very relaxed life (good quality sleep, good nutrition and water, exercise etc).

Yearning for a bigger brain only made me feel worse.

[mrelectric]

I recommend you to watch the movie "Transcendence", ignore the reviews. After that let it just be an idea for the movie plot and instead go walk through the woods for a while. I used to be where you are now, but no singularly can fix what is in essence a spiritual problem.

[jcpst]

Sounds like psychedelics might help.

[sysalphUS]

Your post really "uplifted" me. Thank you. My response is ditto what you said. Plus for my kids.

[python_fnanatic]

Might want to check out the idea of the Faustian culture by Oswald Spengler

[jborden13]

Reminds me of LSD