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For context, I've suffered from depression my entire adult life -- possibly due to genetic factors and childhood emotional trauma, compounded by substance abuse (mostly alcohol, but also marijuana addiction for a few years) and difficulties getting along with my family. A few years ago, during my marijuana-addicted period and also during a stressful time when I had recently changed jobs and residences, I had my closest approach to suicide. I never actually attempted it, but I went as far as scoping out a train crossing where I imagined/hoped it could be done easily. That day while I was walking over to the train crossing, I had a realization, almost a brief moment of enlightenment. I observed that if my life was really so bad that I would rather end it, then I actually had complete freedom to do anything that would make my life better, even temporarily. I could quit my job, leave my wife, move to another country -- even just take all of my money out of the bank, go to Vegas, and spend it all on hookers and coke before going ahead and killing myself if I still wanted to. Although I'm in much better shape now, the funny thing is I haven't even had to make use of this freedom. My life is basically the same as it was then -- same job, same house, same wife. But having this realization as a sort of metaphysical get-out-of-jail-free card in my back pocket somehow makes it easier to deal with the day-to-day struggles and disappointments. Art in various forms has also kept me going. I wouldn't call myself a religious person, but classical music is for me the closest thing to a spiritual experience. That tends to be helpful in the depths of despair. Also, Philip K. Dick's book "A Scanner Darkly" made me reflect on my drug use and helped me to confront who I was and how I was with other people when I was using, which helped kick it (though I'm still kind of an alcoholic). |