[baxtr]

When I'm in comparing mode, I use two "hacks":

1. If you compare yourself and envy someone, consider what you specifically envy. Then consider whether you are willing to change EVERYTHING with that person to get that one thing. Their parents, their childhood, their spouse, and so on. I always say no and move on.

2. Instead of comparing yourself upwards, compare yourself downwards. We frequently envy people who are more successful, wealthy, intelligent, and so on. But how many people envy you? How many people are actually less successful, less wealthy, or less intelligent? Most of the time it helps to calm me down.

[crackercrews]

Regarding #1:

As a young man, I was out for a bike ride when a man drove past me in a very expensive Mercedes coupe. My first thought was that I would love to be in his shoes, and what an amazing life he must have.

My next thought was that a man of his age would probably see a young man like me out for a weekend bike ride and wistfully think of his own youth. Not just the vigor of youth but also the lack of responsibilities.

[crhulls]

This makes me think of the adage:

-When you are young you have energy and time but no money -When you are an adult you have money and energy but no time -When you are old you have time and money but no energy

Obviously the answer is to embrace what you have in the moment but easier said than done.

[nuancebydefault]

Super nice trilogy, above thread!!!

[NhanH]

There is a saying in Vietnamese roughly translated to “Looking upwards, I’m worse than everyone. Looking downwards, everyone is worse than me.”

https://en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/trông_lên_thì_chẳng_bằng_ai...

[danenania]

Can't find a link, but there have been some studies on students and schools that show the students near the top of their class in not-so-great schools tend to be more successful than kids who are below average in elite schools, even if the latter have higher test scores. It really shows you the power of comparison and the importance of choosing the right pond for the size of fish you are.

[niemal_dev]

And thus it is very wise to be grounded to the reality, however that is possible. Everyone is worse than me == superiority. Everyone is better than me == inferiority. Everyone does what they can and I should focus on what I can also, believing in myself and investing in my own growth == freedom.

[danenania]

While it's pretty morbid, another thing to consider is that whatever thing that person has that you want, there have been countless people who had copious amounts of that thing and were still so depressed that they killed themselves. That includes plenty of people who were the envy of everyone around them.

It's a good reminder that there are no silver bullets when it comes to happiness and a meaningful life. Beyond meeting basic needs, it's much more about being happy with what you have than trying to obtain something that you don't.

[antisthenes]

> another thing to consider is that whatever thing that person has that you want, there have been countless people who had copious amounts of that thing and were still so depressed that they killed themselves.

I find this lazy argument completely unconvincing and reject it entirely.

Very rarely would something like 2x total comp change the way someone lives, and if suddenly stumbling into a double income radically changes your life to the point where you become depressed, then that's kind of on you. Get therapy (you can actually afford it now), trade your money for more free time, seek meaning, be more generous and altruistic - acquire more friends, help others.

> Beyond meeting basic needs, it's much more about being happy with what you have

That sounds nice on paper, until you realize you've lived a few decades unable to afford anything beyond basic needs. I know this is HN, so 90% of people here are in an income bubble, but please try to imagine for a split second how miserable life is if you can't afford hobbies, healthcare, stable housing, or a companion pet.

[danenania]

"Get therapy (you can actually afford it now), trade your money for more free time, seek meaning, be more generous and altruistic - acquire more friends, help others."

I don't dispute that people who do these things would tend to be happier on average, and I agree they are all good ideas, but we can also conclusively say they aren't silver bullets, since there are many people who do all those things but still end up finding their lives so intolerable that they kill themselves.

"try to imagine for a split second how miserable life is if you can't afford hobbies, healthcare, stable housing, or a companion pet"

I'd put healthcare and stable housing in the basic needs bucket, though of course they both exist on a spectrum.

And again, that's my point. There are countless people who have enough money that they have no financial worries whatsoever and yet are still miserable, while there are others with a modest income who feel content. If you are unhappy and feel that making more money will fix it, and you're not struggling with basic needs, this should indicate that at the very least, there's no guarantee it will be a solution to your unhappiness.

[antisthenes]

I understand your point, and like I already said, it's a lazy argument that boils down to "rich people sometimes have it hard too".

Sure, yes, that happens. But on average they have the resources to deal with it, so bringing it up every time is tired, lazy and disrespectful to those who are struggling and have no safety network.

You're free to think otherwise.

[danenania]

It obviously doesn't boil down to that. It doesn't seem to me that you actually read and understood what I wrote (either that or you're deliberately mischaracterizing for whatever reason), so it's a bit ironic for you to talk about lazy arguments.

[vertis]

It does read like that unfortunately. I understand that you're trying to say that money doesn't give happiness in a more verbose way. It's just not true though (it's a popular adage, and has even had some scientific study).

> Past research has found that experienced well-being does not increase above incomes of $75,000/y. This finding has been the focus of substantial attention from researchers and the general public, yet is based on a dataset with a measure of experienced well-being that may or may not be indicative of actual emotional experience (retrospective, dichotomous reports). Here, over one million real-time reports of experienced well-being from a large US sample show evidence that experienced well-being rises linearly with log income, with an equally steep slope above $80,000 as below it. This suggests that higher incomes may still have potential to improve people’s day-to-day well-being, rather than having already reached a plateau for many people in wealthy countries[0].

You've referenced basic needs without defining what that means. The vast majority of people in the US are not in the HN bubble. They're in the barely making basic needs or just above that.

More money for people in stress (i.e. at the border) is going to bring relief and therefore less sadness[1].

[0]: https://www.pnas.org/doi/full/10.1073/pnas.2016976118 [1]: https://newrepublic.com/article/120859/money-doesnt-buy-happ...

[yodsanklai]

I think most of the time, comparing doesn't mean envying. It's often a feeling of being inadequate, or feeling to not meet expectations other people put on us.