It'd be ok if that's the expectation. The social contract is such that both parties have agreed (by using the same client/network that offers those features), so changing it on only one side feels invasive because you had the expectation of privacy that you didn't actually have.
there were options for all these things, yes. i also remember it in a multi im client like gaim or pidgin.
i checked out that "open chat window once someone starts typing" once out of novelty value... but it felt to stalky to keep it active, and wasnt really handy at all. sometimes ppl misclick and open the wrong window and realize later, others are reading past discussions... really not that useful as a feature