Similar here, but I eventually realized it wasn't normal and wasn't who I wanted to be. I sought professional help. I learned Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which I've internalized since I'm a programmer. CBT is like a language I can use to program myself. Just today I spontaneously told myself "Stop making things up! you don't need to come up with a reason or wild rationalization for every feeling"
I used to really resonate with the writings of Dostoyevsky and Melville. The opening paragraph of Moby Dick was a favorite:
“Call me Ishmael. Some years ago—never mind how long precisely—having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world. It is a way I have of driving off the spleen and regulating circulation. Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people’s hats off—then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can. There is nothing surprising in this. If they but knew it, almost all men in their degree, some time or other, cherish very nearly the same feelings towards the ocean with me.”
I no longer feel grim about the mouth or feel damp and drizzly in my soul
> I learned Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which I've internalized since I'm a programmer. CBT is like a language I can use to program myself. Just today I spontaneously told myself "Stop making things up! you don't need to come up with a reason or wild rationalization for every feeling"
I seem to be using this/similar(?) technique, too, to force myself to do things long-term good, but short-term unpleasant.
I didn't knew its name though. Any good books on the subject?
There's a lot of good material on the internet about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectic Behavioral Therapy ("Wise Mind") and Cognitive Processing Therapy for trauma. These are all inspired by Eastern meditation and non-attachment to thoughts and feelings.
I would start by asking yourself if you learn well on your own? Or it might be better to learn with a therapist to explain the subtleties and indicate where you are getting stuck.
It was the same for me. Every single day, morning to night endlessly looping in the back of my head.
But one day it simply stopped. I’d boarded a plane and moved to another country, and the moment I touched down, I realized this is where I was meant to be. Some people really are just born into an environment or culture that isn’t meant for them, and sometimes you really can just run away from a problem.
Sometimes these thoughts do come back, but they’re brought about by extreme stress and last just hours. Maybe at most once or twice a year. Far, far better than it being the first and last thing I thought every single day for most of my life. Almost a decade since that day and it’s been almost nothing but peace inside my mind.
I've been thinking of doing that for a while as well, but I fear it will only exacerbate the loneliness and that I will turn into recluse. I'm a very sociable person, I just have trouble getting out of the house, talking to new people and making plans with people (how weird would it be for me to ask them to do something with me, after all if they wanted to they would have asked me right? Doesn't make any sense I know but I still can't get over it). That and the fact that I barely have any money saved up (working for <1/2 year).
Meanwhile the thoughts are there every day, growing the stronger the more I'm alone. But when I'm with people I feel like I don't fit in, don't want to be there and the more time I spend alone.
I had extreme social anxiety (would only go shopping minutes before closing time or the moment they opened to make sure I was the only person in the store) and had just enough money to buy a plane ticket and hotels for a week. I’m still generally solitary, but have no worries about being outside and around people and money is no concern either.
Pushing yourself far outside of your comfort zone can be a massive shock to your brain that forced you to adapt quickly. If you’re going somewhere with a job already lined up, savings aren’t really a problem. Outside of the US, most employers are eager to help you get your living situation set up.
Plus, as a foreigner, you’re somewhat exempt from social norms. People judge you less harshly for minor cultural things. Eventually you’ll adapt, and at that point people will generally accept you as one of them.
It’s easy to worry about the negatives, but for the most part, living in another country is generally a good experience for self-growth. There are undeniably hard times, but it’s easier to overcome them outside of your home country due to your brain switching to survival mode and having less time for trivial anxieties.
Don't worry it's a sane reaction to an insane world. It's
cultural. Prozac won't fix it. Universal basic income won't fix it.
Renouncing post-colonial guilt and solving climate-change probably
wouldn't fix it immediately. Hell, if extra-terrestrial life turned up
tomorrow in a giant flying saucer and said:
"Hey Earthmen, there's a huge party happening at the centre of the
galaxy, hop on in!"
We'd say:
"Sorry I'm busy with work".
We've collectively lost sight of what there is to love, the difference
between Eros Thanatos. We have been, and for some time will continue
to be, in a war by other means, presently expressed as in-fighting,
inter-personal hostility and anti-intellectualism. And in war one must
choose to live and love despite, not for the world as it is. Read the
Greeks and you'll see this kind of thing happened for hundreds of years
in a stretch and they were wise enough to know there's nothing you
can do but keep yer chin up and keep pushing on.
I think William James had the best handle on the Thanatos struggle
with the "Moral Equivalent of War", but most people dismiss this as
some sort of case for "National Service". It is a much deeper text.
"There is only one really serious philosophical problem, and that is
suicide." - Albert Camus
"To be, or not to be. That is the question" - William Shakespeare
(Hamlet)
I used to feel suicidal in high school because I had shitty friends and my family was mostly disappointing. The minute I got an iPhone and went to college that feeling completely disappeared for about 10 years. I don't know what to tell you. Pretty sure my life is worse than yours right now. It's the best time to be alive in general. You can do anything. So go do it and be happy.
> It's the best time to be alive in general. You can do anything. So go do it and be happy.
Here's a couple of things that actually became harder/worse
1) Buying a house in a main city or even a house anywhere.
2) Pursuing a career without fear of ageism or being fired (people used to hold jobs for very lengthy periods, not anymore..and not always by choice).
3) Pursuing a career without fear of being automated or lose my job due to offshoring.
4) Costs of rearing children are higher.
5) Sticking together as a family is harder due to cultural changes.
6) Having a strong connection to the community where you live is harder now.
7) Sense of meaning in life is probably weaker - people are less religious and more lonely but consumerism and careerism don't seem like a very good substitute.
I'm not saying things used to be peachy 50 years ago, but it sounds like a reach to me to say things have never been better. In some ways they became better and in other ways they became worse. Overall I really doubt the average person is significantly happier now compared to 50 years ago.
I am talking about the rich world, mostly the West. It's probably better all around to be Indian or African now than 50 years ago.
Comedian Nick Mullen has said the same, and he's had a life that's quite rough at times. It seems that being able to distract oneself from reality can be beneficial for a certain type of personality.
I used to really resonate with the writings of Dostoyevsky and Melville. The opening paragraph of Moby Dick was a favorite:
“Call me Ishmael. Some years ago—never mind how long precisely—having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world. It is a way I have of driving off the spleen and regulating circulation. Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people’s hats off—then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can. There is nothing surprising in this. If they but knew it, almost all men in their degree, some time or other, cherish very nearly the same feelings towards the ocean with me.”
I no longer feel grim about the mouth or feel damp and drizzly in my soul