| HN Mirror

Perhaps there are some who will never learn to love themselves but in general I think it can be learned. I don't think there actually is a hard and fast rule that people struggling to love themselves shouldn't seek relationships. Some of my own greatest progress in love toward myself has, as in the OP, come from learning from a romantic partner who actually did love me in ways I hardly imagined. But I do think that for relationships to be sustainable in the long-term, there has to be or develop an element of self-love. We can't ask our partners to love us, for us.

Love for myself is something I'm actively working on right now, as someone whose depression has also long defied resolution by conventional treatment.

It seems to me that the treatment-resistant depression, and the struggle to love myself, are the same thing.

You compared self-love to a language, and I think there's truth to that. But perhaps a better metaphor would be that of a neglected muscle or group of muscles.

As a human being, you are enculturated into at least one culture, but really a weave of many different cultural threads---things that have been propagating, in one form or another, for hundreds or even thousands of years.

Part of that cultural heritage is the judgement and self-hate---the keen sense of having failed to be what one ought to be.

But also part of that cultural heritage is immense love. That is part of you, but neglected---it is the unworked muscle.

I recently went to the gym for the first time in years. I hardly did any exercises, but I was sore for three days afterward. It was painful even---seemed like I might have fucked something up. But now, I'm stronger.

I think it's like this with love for ourselves. It is a muscle that can be strengthened. The way this is done will probably be somewhat individual to you, but I think there are patterns to it.

For me it has been very helpful to prioritize the development of this ability. Even to spend effort developing it is itself a sign of love for myself. Even if I fail---at least I'm trying. At least I'm spending time attempting to show myself that I matter.

In fact, the tendency to avoid being with myself---to distract myself from what's going on inside me any way I can---has sent a signal of fear rather than of love toward myself. I'm trying to do less of that---Hacker News will likely always have its place, of course!---and to have more time to be with me.

One of my great hangups has been the problem, basically, of evil. Like in the original post, the question has stuck with me: what if I'm a bad guy?

What if through my self-hate I don't reform myself and keep myself in line?

But the answer I'm coming to is that there is no part of myself that isn't deserving of love, simply for being here. The way I developed as a person was largely an accident of my environment and predispositions. If there are parts of me that are a bit misshapen, so to speak, it is only because they were not nourished as they ought to have been.

Is the answer to now continue the deprivation and the mistreatment? Or is it time to try something different?

When I treat myself with love, something within me responds with great joy that I've not felt in a long time. Something becomes _right_ that has long been wrong. Just saying "I love you" to myself is just a beginning---talk is cheap after all. But standing up for my needs, refusing to betray or abandon myself in the face of rejection from others, letting my self and my ideas come out---realizing that there is a headspace where I can feel not only not ashamed, but proud to be who I am---all of these things show a very deep part of me that it is loved, and I _feel_ that very clearly.

It has also been helpful for me to be part of a community focused on developing a different, more-loving relationship to our respective selves. For me that is part of a reading group dedicated to "The Loving Parent Guidebook", which is part of the literature of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. Like all programs that one has its pros and cons and I'm not even advocating for it in particular, but the important thing for me has been to show up, learn from others, and practice things I never practiced before. (As a non-believer in a traditonal "Higher Power" I have had to forge my own path to an extent, but there are many like me.)

Anyway, the journey is only just beginning in a sense. I just wanted to share my perspective in case it's helpful. You're not alone in the struggle, though of course it's also particular to you.

Wishing you the best.