| Part of the reason the divorce rate is so high is because people go into it without even knowing themselves who they are. If you don't know who you are, how can you make a reasonable assessment about what others bring to the table ? If you can't answer the question honestly:
- What are your flaws
- What are your strengths
- What scares you
- What has possibly scarred you
- What is unacceptable to you
- What is mandatory for you
- Can you answer the same, for someone you love? You are flipping a coin with regards to marriage. Helpful hack:
- Don't marry, not right away. Have a relationship and live with someone you really respect. Put your cards on the table. You aren't going to marry, but you will commit for life. For anyone to stay, they need to be on board with being ok with living on a continuous "performance review". That includes you. That is a huge win, as it signals a maturity level for both parties and the ability to accept to being vulnerable. Yes, there may be some truly unique and valuable individuals you miss out that have very tough requirements from relationships (for example, no living together without marriage), but we are assuming those are diamonds and you aren't going to randomly be dating them. Give time (~3yrs?) in a cohabitating arrangement. This is important because if you truly know yourself, you must also learn to know the other person too. This is only possible with time, especially for someone not very experienced with relationships. To live with someone is critical to really know them... not because they may leave dirty dishes on the sink, or whether they are picking up laundry - but because cohabitating is a truth-teller. You can't put a facade while living with someone else. You can't pretend to be interested in someone as a person, and its impossible to hide insecurities from someone you are spending time, 24/7, for several years. Learn to accept that every relationship is an investment. Know yourself. Be mature and gracious in defeat. But be hopeful and optimistic of the future. Not every relationship will work out. Not every person is suited for a loving relationship, and even fewer people are compatible to each other. Yet, its hard to love a cynic. Take ego out, be vulnerable and find people that accept you for who you are. |
Aren't there studies showing people who marry after to moving in together divorce a lot more?
I guess there could be lurking variables?