How do you come out of this and break the cycle? I suffer from this and haven't been able to do anything I want.
Is there any steps, guide or help available?
Thanks in advance.
Is it really important that it is perfect? Who really cares?
What do you win by doing this imperfectly (time - to achieve other / more meaningful things, or to rest, or to spend time with people you care about, or for your hobbies)
What do you lose by doing this imperfectly? Not much usually.
Who will notice? Probably nobody.
In the grand scheme of things, why bother anyway?
What are you trying to achieve? This task perfectly, or this task is just a something you need to do to get paid so you can have a meaningful life?
If people do care for a specific aspect/corner, they'll tell you anyway.
They probably prefer seeing something earlier so they can give feedback, so you can achieve an even better result, counter-intuitively.
Besides all this, I think I achieve this by not caring so much and not tying myself personally to much to the task. And by thinking about the outcome. Perfect often leads to worse outcome, and is relative to only you anyway because other people care about other stuff than you.
Of course, it is still important to achieve the task correctly, but as perfectionist we usually need to take a step back.
In her book “Neurosis and Human Growth: The Struggle Toward Self-Realization”, Karen Horney talks about breaking negative vicious cycles by slowly creating positive ones. In this case by lessening the standards of absolute perfection. Quoting from the book:
“Just as vicious circles were at work to entangle him more and more deeply in his neurosis, now there are circles working in the reverse direction. If for instance the patient lessens his standards of absolute perfection, his self-accusations also decrease. Hence he can afford to be more truthful about himself. He can examine himself without becoming frightened. This in turn renders him less dependent upon the analyst and gives him confidence in his own resources. At the same time his need to externalize his self-accusations decreases too. So he feels less threatened by others, or less hostile toward them, and can begin to have friendly feelings for them. Besides, the patient's courage and confidence in his ability to take charge of his own development gradually increase. In our discussions of the repercussions we focused upon the terror that results from the inner conflicts. This terror diminishes as the patient becomes clear about the direction he wants to take in his life. And his sense of direction alone gives him a greater feeling of unity and strength. Yet there is still another fear attached to his forward moves, one which we have not yet fully appreciated. This is a realistic fear of not being able to cope with life without his neurotic props. The neurotic is after all a magician living by his magic powers. Any step toward self-realization means relinquishing these powers and living by his existing resources. But as he realizes that he can in fact live without such illusions, and even live better without them, he gains faith in himself.”
Perfectioism is a complex topic. I highly recommend the book “Perfectionism: A Relational Approach to Conceptualization, Assessment, and Treatment” by Gordon Flett, Paul L. Hewitt, and Samuel F. Mikail. It won't magically solve the issue, but it will help you gain understading and awareness of the unconscious forces within you keeping perfectionism at work. I believe that awareness is the beginning of change.
I read a book once (which I can't remember the name) that shows you how self-esteem (and lack of) can block us for doing things that matter to us. Like having a toxic partner/family makes you have a low self-steem. So in other words, living and hanging out with people that supports and love you and what you do, have a huge impact.
Edit: six pillars of self esteem is the name of the book
> How do you come out of this and break the cycle?
Probably realizing that even if you live up to your expectations you'll always be a nobody, especially in a world that is about to be populated by 10+ billion humans.
If you think of all the 'greats' : Newton, Einstein, Galileo, Leonardo, Alexander, Aristoteles, JFK, Gandhi...the world was much smaller back then and yet their death was absorbed by the rest of humanity in a nanosecond or even less. The half mast flag and months of grieving imposed from above are just that, people will keep eating and laughing and drinking and partying behind closed doors, not out of respect but out of fear of prosecution.
An other way to talk yourself out of it is to understand that whatever you are after is a great goal indeed, and the self will be elated when you reach it, but the self will be even more elated if you reach it with the minimum effort, and so by thinking about it too much and ruminating on the paths to the goal you are going to automatically deny the 'minimum effort' bit and thus end up with a sub-optimal path due to excessive preparation
what worked for me: practice deliberately doing things not perfect, and reminding myself that perfection is subjective.
This can giving yourself a fixed amount of time for something and declaring it done when time's up (think "pencils down" at the end of a test) wherever you're at.
Though my favorite, even as a mental exercise, is described in one of Eric Maisel's many books on creative anxiety - prepare to make an omelet and right before you put the eggs on the heat, throw in the shells, cook as normal.
There's a section on perfectionism in my book "Rebuilding Blocks", here's a snippet:
"Artisans of many ancient cultures intentionally placed flaws in their works. Whether Persian rugs, Amish quilts, or Navajo pottery, these flaws are marketed as a humbling reminder that they were human and perfection was limited to the gods. Gods who don’t need to get wares to market or have bills to pay. Humans run out of raw material, time, energy, and patience. These restrictions should focus our minds on achieving our largest, most important goals and a few, small flaws are a small price to pay for a conclusion....Perfection doesn't deliver"
Something is better than nothing.
Is it really important that it is perfect? Who really cares?
What do you win by doing this imperfectly (time - to achieve other / more meaningful things, or to rest, or to spend time with people you care about, or for your hobbies)
What do you lose by doing this imperfectly? Not much usually.
Who will notice? Probably nobody.
In the grand scheme of things, why bother anyway?
What are you trying to achieve? This task perfectly, or this task is just a something you need to do to get paid so you can have a meaningful life?
If people do care for a specific aspect/corner, they'll tell you anyway.
They probably prefer seeing something earlier so they can give feedback, so you can achieve an even better result, counter-intuitively.
Besides all this, I think I achieve this by not caring so much and not tying myself personally to much to the task. And by thinking about the outcome. Perfect often leads to worse outcome, and is relative to only you anyway because other people care about other stuff than you.
Of course, it is still important to achieve the task correctly, but as perfectionist we usually need to take a step back.