[em-bee]

i am sorry for your experience. did you try to talk to a psychologist?

the thing that i'd like to stress is that i don't think any of this is your fault. on the surface it looks like it is, but blaming yourself is not helpful.

The things I want most in life are simply unobtainable due to my broken perception of relationships and emotional dysregulation

i can relate to that. it took me a long time to understand what i needed to get out of a relationship and what i could contribute, because my parents didn't show me.

please continue to try. don't give up. i don't know what can help you. try making connections online. they are more distant, but less potential for hurt. and maybe, if you can, try travelling. you will meet lots of people to try to connect to, but you are not forced to stick around. i don't know if that works for you, but i think it's worth for the experience.