Stop laughing and hear me out: when you apply for a residence permit, you have an initial consultation appointment at an office in your town or county where, after reviewing your form, you are then given a checklist of documents and the expected application fee to bring to your next appointment, based on your particular circumstances. Outside of Covid times, and even during the massive wave of refugees from Syria, that was typically within a few weeks.
Show up with the requested documents and photos and pay the fee (into a machine, get a printed receipt, no human touches your money), get a receipt for your application and an estimated pickup date for your shiny residence permit (and ID).
When I went to renew my residence permit around year 4, the clerk helpfully asked if what I really wanted was an application for a permanent residence permit. Hadn’t occurred to me - I thought it was 5 years of residency, but it’s only 3 if you’re married to a German citizen.
No lawyers involved, no anxious weeks without my passport, all at a cost that was less than 300 EUR a pop. Far less drama and expense than I’ve heard from acquaintances who have tried getting a German or other EU citizen spouse through the US Green Card process.
Bureaucracy is good when it’s clear in its demands.
I’ve lived in a few countries now, including the US. Define “major.” If you are only considering countries as vast as the US in landmass then only Australia, Russia, Canada, Brazil, and China can really be contenders. From 2nd/3rd hand accounts, I don’t think they pass all your qualifications. If we consider “major” as in having a hand in the formation of the US, such as England, France, Netherlands, Spain, etc. then I think you’d find a majority of those countries pass at least two of those qualifiers.