[rich_sasha]

I have no idea if the following applies to you, so I won't even suggest it might. I'll just share some anecdata.

I'm male, married, with two beautiful, clever children and a beautiful, clever wife. The wife has a rich list of ambitions and expectations from life, more and more as time goes on. Model 21st century woman really. She's killing it at work, learning new sports, lifting weights, networking, recently joined a government expert panel, really nailing it.

The one thing she doesn't have time for is me. I'm just there, right? But between work, always keeping an eye for new, better jobs, taking the kids to ever more elaborate activities, I'm the washing machine of the relationship: it's essential that it's there, if it makes a funny noise you better fix it, but when it's just fine you don't think about it for 2 mins. She also doesn't seem to even acknowledge that there is a tradeoff made.

Tbh, and my wife isn't on HN, if not for the kids, I'd be well gone by now. For the kids, and the kids alone, I feel at least for now it's worth sticking to it.

So, long intro done, I'd now be very, very wary of people who have long and detailed expectations of life. It's not like I'm unambitious, underachieving or slouching on the sofa. But my expectations of life is more like, strive to be happy and do interesting, meaningful things. A career for the sake of career, for example, isn't on it.

The thing is, we are bombarded left right and centre (and women perhaps more so) with propaganda that this is the only way. If you're not aiming for a top career, doing 2 sports, yoga, learning Mandarin, focusing on yourself, oh and don't forget mindfulness, then you're cave-dwelling troglodyte. Thing is, that might just not leave space for an actual relationship, or at least sound that way.

I've heard this attitude labelled in certain circles as "men being afraid/threatened by modern women", but it's not that. It's about finding someone who want to genuinely make space for another person in their life, give something and get something. That is at odds with the widely acclaimed approach that life is there to take take take from.

[actfrench]

I think it's noble to stay in for the sake of your children. One thought: perhaps it's obvious to you that your wife is ignoring you, but not obvious to her? Maybe she takes your calm, grounded presence in her life for granted and loves you deeply, not seeing how much you are suffering. I'm curious to know the efforts you've made to communicate your concerns to her? Taking her out for a nice date night, couples therapy? Perhaps your wife values you and your marriage much more than you realize and change is indeed possible.

[armitron]

Your kids will be fine, get out and live your life and be a positive strong influence on them. Think about what your kids see every day, the same things you described here. This becomes their model of a father, a family. Do you want that?

I am divorced with two beautiful teenage daughters from my current -happy- marriage and a 20 year old son from my first. My son not only understands why the divorce happened (dysfunctional relationship that made me feel miserable), but has admitted that seeing me happy and fulfilled has done wonders for his psychological development. He was 6 years old when I divorced my first wife.

[sloaken]

I recommend you go to personal counseling. Not group, or family. I think you really need someone to confide in to discuss your situation. At least try it once.

[whoisjohnkid]

Woah thanks for sharing your situation. Talking about it to others sounds like a step in the right direction.

One thing to consider is what you are teaching your kids by staying. Kids have a habit of picking up on these things at an early age and can internalize the unhealthy relationship you have as ‘normal’.

[FaceTheJury]

Have you spoken to your wife about this or gone to therapy together? Is she aware that she is neglecting you?

You’re correct though, it’s about priorities. I’m a corporate lawyer but I always put my husband first because at the end of the line I surely won’t be thinking, “I wish I worked more.” What’s it all for if you don’t have someone to share with.

[aliswe]

Live life with no regrets my friend. Also, what do you think your kids would have you do, were they grownups?

Also, maybe your wife needs the reality check?

[rich_sasha]

I love my kids without bounds, they are best served by two parents right now. The logistics of separated parent childcare, for now, outweigh the daily dredge of being a washing machine.

As for later, who knows. Somewhere between the age of 0 and 30, you don't need your parents to hold your hand when you have a nightmare, when that time comes I'll think again.

[ostenning]

At what cost? At least if you ring the alarm bell early you could improve your situation if you attempt to stick it out (couples therapy etc), but resigning to being “a washing machine” sounds like a terrible plan for your life.

The mind finds excuses to propagate your situation because it is afraid of change, and I can see that very clear in your words about “logistics”. Logistics is not a good reason at all to live your life as a washing machine.

[rich_sasha]

Yeah yeah, we've done couples therapy. Talked. Yada yada.

The thing is, i just love and prioritise my kids. It's also not like I'm not living a good life, just a good relationship isn't part of it.

[tasuki]

I get what you're saying. Lots of people here suppose you're unhappy and need to get out now. I don't think they have grounds to suppose that. You do you!

[aliswe]

To awsrocks, im in the same situation. still sweating it out tbh.

[actfrench]

How does your wife feel about your concerns? She doesn't care?

[jacquesm]

mail?