[throw220702]

As a man not much younger than you, it's helpful to hear that's a turn-off. What to ask when is tricky. I see several options:

   1. Estimate the odds of successfully procreating upfront; Downside: Can seem boorish and unromantic and ruin the chance of a potentially successful relationship.

   2. Keep getting to know each other and discuss once we're more comfortable with each other. If the answer is unfavorable:
  a. Be honest about the reason for ending the relationship; Downside: Cruel to one's partner and heartbreaking
  b. Fabricate an excuse for ending things; Downside: Dishonest and unfair to partner; guilt and heartbreak
  c. Stay anyway; Downside: Reduces likelihood of having children

All this to say, I worry that your gut reaction may be filtering out the men most serious about having children. If someone knows you as a multi-dimensional being beyond a dating prospect first the approach changes. So I'd add this as a reason meet people through others means.

Of course, you're doing that now. This has gotten so much attention that it I'd give you one-third odds of being married in 18 months to either someone who saw this thread or someone someone who sees this thread introduces you to.

This is the dilemma with so many things. In trying to figure out a generic way of solving the problem, you take an approach that works fabulously for you but is difficult to scale. A bit like the education problem...

[actfrench]

I think that it’s perfectly fine to be up front that you want children to a woman, even the first date - or filtering for woman who also want children.

What is not ok is inferring that they couldn’t have children because of their age or asking very pointed questions about their reproductive health on a first date, especially if they don’t want to volunteer that information to someone they barely know. Don’t you think it would be odd if a woman who you were ok a first date asked you about your sperm count and pressured you to reply if you weren’t able to volunteer that info immediately ?

The other thing is that I am clear about my age and desire to have children in my dating profile, so it’s upsetting to have someone second guess me on a first date…

If a woman is kind and compassionate and honest and not sure about her ability to have kids, when you’ve expressed a strong desire to have them, she’ll take the high road and tell you or leave the relationship.

If you are ready to get more serious with someone and have trust and intimacy built up, it is totally ok to have that conversation.

[actfrench]

"Of course, you're doing that now. This has gotten so much attention that it I'd give you one-third odds of being married in 18 months to either someone who saw this thread or someone someone who sees this thread introduces you to."

That's a really kind and encouraging thought. I appreciate that.

It's kind of amusing to me that people are starting to think the way I presented myself in this post is the way I should present myself on a first date. I would also worry about scaring someone away! That said, I've already met a couple people through the post, so maybe being up front and explicit about what I want is a good thing!

In trying to figure out a generic way of solving the problem, you take an approach that works fabulously for you but is difficult to scale." ->> so true

" A bit like the education problem..." nice one:) you pay attention to detail!

[throw220702]

You came back to a thread a day later to engage. That takes an unusual amount of dedication and patience.

An assortment of thoughts: I hope you read How to Win Friends and Influence People. And it's not because you need it to know how to communicate. While I'm sure you'd learn a few things about talking to others, I suspect you'll learn something about the way various styles of communication make you feel. You can see it in the variance of of your responses in this thread. I'm not convinced that this is a core issue but seeing the way a few different comments have elicited affection combined with your comment about wanting to feel seen makes me think it could explain why the men who attract you so often tend to disappear.

It might be interesting to ask your dates at what point during the thread they decided they wanted to get to know you. I can imagine a more analytical person finding you appealing enough from the intro. But if I had to guess, this medium works for two reasons. The non-scalable one is that humans care more as they know someone better. The thread is long and you get vastly more mental attention than through other means of introduction. The scalable ones are attributes that come through in your comments but not in your post: You radiate earnestness and ebullience at a level that's rare even in humans a decade younger; you're indefatigably engaged; you have the patience to try and reason with almost anyone yet occasionally lose your temper which is further evidence of complexity; in short you appear human.

[actfrench]

Thank you so much. I really appreciate the time and energy people have spent being engaged with this and their genuine desire to help.

In terms of action items : I will read the book How To Win Friends, and I’m also going to focus on developing relationships with male friends and dating more. Taking more time to get to know people and they me.

Speaking of being indefatigable, I am quite driven when I want something and it’s hard for me to stop, but especially with some of the more recent comments, I think I’ve reached the fatigued point.

With regards to dates : I went out with an incredible guy today that I met through this post, 10x liked him more than any of the last 90 dates.

He said what drew him is how brave I sounded.

We will see what happens but I’ll going to focus on friendship and being bold. I asked him to hang out again :)

Thanks for your kind words and I look forward to reading the book :)