[actfrench]

I think it’s quite possible or I don’t know what to look for. I didn’t have a dad so it’s hard for me to know what I like and don’t like. That said, there are many men I’ve found attractive when the timing wasn’t right so I don’t know that I’m too picky either. Hard to say. I wish I was more discerning in seeing who is a good man who could be a good partner for me

[knownastron]

I see in your other posts you’re saying 1 in 10 men you find attractive. Also that you’ve dated unemployed men.

So maybe it isn’t standards in terms of income, occupation, etc. that’s holding you back. It seems like you’re using attractiveness as the first filter. Which most people do when finding a mate. But given your age and your goals, maybe you should give a chance to more of those that you don’t find meeting your attractiveness bar. Treat it like a arranged marriage perhaps, arranged marriages often result in fulfilling lasting marriages (with kids!) that I’m sure didn’t start with outright attraction.

[PhaedrusV]

That's worth emphasizing: I'm pretty sure successful marriages are based on people being committed to figuring things out, not to the initial chemistry.

It's trajectory, not starting point.

[contingencies]

Frankly it sounds like you are saying you left men in the past for "amorphous career-related" reasons but find yourself working at a risk-laden startup moving cities out of alleged insecurity with your social and romantic circumstance at the age of 41 with no kids, raising the woe-is-me flag on an internet forum. Just calling a spade a spade here.

Don't underestimate the commitment of kids. Prospective partners know they are a forever commitment that will stress and strain even a well established relationship. They will eat time, motivation, career, and sanity for breakfast, then demand entertainment, transport a packed lunch. To be good parents you have to give up a lot and you never get it back. Splitting up and spitting the dummy isn't going to change that like it could solve arguments the past. In the event of success in your search, given you will thus be emotionally, practically and socially completely redefined as a person by having kids anyway, why not kiss your current self goodbye and release your expectations before beginning the search?

Here it is: Back-burner your career up front.

Ask yourself what more are you looking for in your career? Are you willing to 100% ditch it for a few years starting tomorrow for Mr. Squintrite™ to have kids or are you expecting him to take up the slack for you while you go on a hormonal journey of aggressive self-redefinition with disrupted sleep and emotional conflict guaranteed, cynically to avoid timeout on a me-too life check box now that it suits you? If it's a mix, consider how it may adjust perception in a mate. Any other expectations to unpack? Houses, cars, rings, income? Any pet baggage or toxic girlfriends in there? Debt, expensive spending or bad habits? Don't beat yourself up about it, just understand what might be a red flag for others. Having parents or family around helps with the strain of kids. You mentioned moving about. Is your mum around to help? Are you willing to move to be close to a partner's extended family?

After putting work on the backburner, try something abnormal (eg. take up a new interest, preferably including week+ periods away in places with great climates), and then see who you meet. They might be more compatible than the set you're meeting otherwise. If in 2-3 years it still doesn't happen, go back to work and embrace being kidless.

[PhaedrusV]

This was uncomfortable but there was a lot of truth in there. I'd end with an adoption plug.