| This is from someone that used to be in a similar position until recently. First, as everyone else suggested (I never did but...) talk to someone about your depression, suicidal thoughts isn't something you should keep to yourself and you should find someone close to you that you can share your feeling with right away. Back when I was 18 just out of high school I got a job at a mortgage company as a loan officer, I made tons of money in the range of 15-20k/month on average which was normal for my office and location. I purchased a 450k home through financing when I turned 20, had two high end cars and a third (money pit) project car that I barely had time to work on. Long story short, I was your age (20) at the time and I did what most 20yr olds do, bought whatever I wanted no matter the price. I thought life like this would last forever, with no care for the term "housing bubble", I didn't care to know what the worst of it would mean. When 2007 came around and I saw lenders severely restrict guidelines and homes start appraising at an incredibly devalued price from what it once was, that was when I started to panic. Eventually I had to short sell my home, turn one of my cars in because I owed more then the value of it and go from 15-20k to basically nothing. So I ended up moving to Miami beach for two years staying with a relative, and spent all of my money pretending to still be/do what I once was/could until i ran completely out of money. Then I sat in depression for the rest of the two years I was there. Things really got bad after my second car got repossessed. Anyway, the story is of a person (me) falling from high up all the way to rock bottom which it sounds like is where you are. After the two year period of depression I got a second chance through moving back to Illinois and staying with my parents, going back to college and programming again. Now I have three partners working on a new product, face time with VC's that have shown interest when its completed, introduced to business owners (through friends) that have agreed to test our product. Things are going great. There is one thing that happened to me which changed my outlook on life when things weren't going so well(im not saying you should go and do this by any means at the moment), I had a son and so far he has been my inspiration in pulling through. Right now I am 25, my plan that I set for myself when I was 16 was to have over $1 million by the time I was 25, you can laugh at that if you want but i was serious and it was definitely possible at the rate that I made money as a Loan Officer. You still have a shot at achieving either the goal of stability or creating your own job by the time you are 25. Figure out which route you want and make a plan to get there, i.e. "Get a GED. 4 months, goto community college/university for CS or whatever 2-4 years." By that time you should have a side job and a nearly completed BS in CS. You have time, you have talent. Make a goal, define a path and start going down it. The longer you wait and sulk in your depression the more depressed you will get being 21,22,23,24,25yrs old and in the same situation you are currently in. Don't do that. You'll never find out what you have to look forward to if you never attempt to look forward, so dont look back, move forward. |