[mswen]

Your comment reminds me of the following. My wife and I have been married over 30 years now. Our total household is 7 persons.

A couple years ago, my wife was complaining once again about someone using scissors and not bringing them back to their proper storage place. "How can we have 3 pair of scissors and none of them are here when I need to use one?" This didn't bother me but hearing her complain about it did bother me. After a couple attempts to reason, "it isn't that big of deal to track a pair down" or "how often do we really use them?", I decided that abundance was a better solution. I found a 4 pack of decent scissors for about $12.

So for $12 dollars I have never heard that complaint again because even if someone walks off with one and doesn't get it back right away there are several more. So my wife doesn't doesn't experience that frustration and it keeps her from getting fixated on something as insignificant as the location of pair of scissors. And, I have already decided that if it happens again I will buy another pack. They are surprisingly good scissors for $3 each.

I think my broader point was that we as humans are sometimes irrational about certain annoyances in life. And, if I can find a way to spend some money and just solve the issue that is probably a good use of money.

[greedo]

Yet the solution to many relationship problems isn't finding a solution!

I'm a sysadmin. When I see a problem, I try to fix it, and prevent it from happening again. But relationships aren't servers. Sometimes we see (or are told about) a problem, and immediately go to fix it. Yet often the problem isn't what we see. Usually (maybe 99% of the time) problems in relationships are about communication. Listening. Commiserating.

My partner hates it when she tells me about her day at work and I try to offer solutions to the problems she faces. It's dumb on my part, she's a grown woman, a professional, and I have a solution? This behavior on my part is very unhealthy to a relationship, and I have to fight my natural inclinations to fix things.

Instead, I have to listen. Let her talk, let her explain how it makes her feel, let her talk through how she might solve it, or let her not think about a solution. Just be there for her.

Not easy at all for someone on the spectrum who has a hard time reading social/emotional cues. Nor for someone who has a career as a fixer...

[Aloha]

This is the varying communications styles between men and women. There was a reddit post from years ago that really went into great detail about this, it was some of the most brilliant writing about this topic that I'd ever seen.

Women want to talk about feelings, and dont necessarily want help with their problems.

Men tend to communicate more 'functionally' we tend to talk about problems we want a solution for - unless we specifically talk about feelings we're generally looking for inputs on solving those issues.

[DoingIsLearning]

I had exactly the same discussion with my wife and I am gonna strongly disagree here.

It's a two way street, yes I need to be open to the possibility of this being a 'venting' conversation where she is looking only for support. However, she also needs to be aware that it is my natural inclination to look for 'solutions' and that social cues are not my forte.

So it is also part of the meet me half-way that she clearly _says_ (not hints) at the start that she is not looking for solutions but is just sharing/venting.

I think one of biggest breakthroughs in our relationship was watching the play "Defending the Caveman" together. It suddenly put into words everything I was somehow unable to express in how differently we perceive/process reality.

[mswen]

Oh, I totally agree with you. And, there are times when it is not useful to try to come up with a solution because the other person just needs to be heard. It is not really about problem X. The real issue is not feeling heard, respected, loved.

[khalilravanna]

This is really smart. You're right we often fixate on "the principle of the matter" instead of just stepping back and looking for an easy solution and then moving on with our lives.

[Arrath]

I find myself in situations like this myself, but on the observer's side. Often I swallow the impulse to ask "Well the problem was solved in 10 seconds, and you've now spent minutes venting about it, how is this at all constructive?" to my girlfriend. I've come to understand it is her makeup to need to vent about things like that rather than solve the problem and move on.

[clarkevans]

Yet, with the easy solution, they got right to the principle -- "I hear you. You matter to me".

[UncleMeat]

My parents did this and it was a great lesson.

Scissors and cordless phones (prior to cell phones) got left all over the place. The solution was to buy like 20 pairs of scissors and have a cordless phone in damn near every room. Boom.