[s1artibartfast]

>You can't measure how much the other person truly wants to cancel, because attempting to take the measurement will alter the outcome.

There are 101 ways to addresses this. "How are you feeling about the plans" is simple enough if two people are being honest with each other.

[mikepurvis]

I agree. I've had lots of these kinds of interactions— it's definitely possible to "put out feelers" on whether someone is really excited about a thing or just going along with it.

Yes there is a slight risk that that action will put a damper on the other person's interest, but it's not a huge deal to recover from— either by amping yourself up to assure them that you really are excited for the thing they're excited about, or taking the initiative the next time to make a thing happen that you know you can be excited about and follow through on.

I've definitely also triggered the damper reaction accidentally in the past when just trying to make an innocent inquiry about a start time or something, so even if you rarely do it for real, it's good to understand these dynamics and how to navigate them.

[s1artibartfast]

I think the whole thing stems from fear of others seeing you as you truly are.

If you are on the fence and not excited, that.. is reality and you can own it. You dont have to hide it, but it may have some consequences.

I think people would be happier if they spent less time hiding behind deceptions, and more time managing the consequences.

[mikepurvis]

I think for me a lot of it is just the knowledge that often I end up really enjoying and feeling good about activities that I may not have been all that excited for at the outset— fitness stuff like swimming or going for a bike ride are obvious examples.

So it's not just a matter of me being deceptive, it's also the internal conflict between my lizard brain ("stay home and do nothing, so great") and my thoughtful brain ("you enjoyed this the last time, give it a chance, ya dummy"). The not-being-a-baby for me is having the executive function to go do a thing that I know I'm probably going to end up being glad I did, while not wanting to be a wet blanket for everyone else by letting them all know upfront that I'm not there yet.

[s1artibartfast]

I completely agree and think that is normal for a lot of people. I was just saying that is perfectly reasonable and healthy to explain this to someone else if you choose to reach out to them.

EG:

Person 1: Do you still want to do X?

Person 2: Yes, why?

Person 1: I just wanted to check in. I usually get (anxious, lazy, scared) before this kinda thing. I know I'm going to end up being glad I did.

This is a normal conversation and builds healthy relationships, but for some reason people are often hesitant to say how they feel and want to put on a facade. It is a lot easier to be candid than internalizing it and lying.