| First off, you are not alone in feeling alone. 1 in 5 Americans reports that they have no friends. The reasons behind this are not "people are anti-social or introverts," but more a result of living in a world (especially in the US) where people move away from their family, change jobs frequently, often work freelance/gig jobs where hours don't align, get divorced, and live alone (28% of Americans live alone). This is my area of research and my work at the moment, so I could spout off all kinds of stats but one thing I can say is that it's really important to not ignore your feelings here- loneliness is like physical pain letting us know our needs are not being met. To find a sense of belonging, you need 2 things. One is frequent positive interaction and the other is ongoing relationships where you feel cared about. Our technology to date has worked against us here. My recommendation is to find a community that you can start to interact with regularly. There are many that will welcome you, but also know it will take time before you start feeling like you belong- and just try to stick with it while it's uncomfortable. Some ideas: 12-step programs, there are ones like Al-anon or CoDA where you don't have to have any substance issues yourself and deal more with relationships. Communities around people you admire, like Patreon communities that surround a particular artist or thought-leader. Or potentially Meetups, if they meet more regularly than once a month. Meditation groups or other spiritual communities tend to be fairly welcoming as well. Volunteering can be another avenue if the organization does something that is meaningful to you. The most important aspect is that they have some kind of "meeting others" aspect and aren't just Discords or something where it's a lot of work to get to know people on any sort of personal level. In person or small video calls are good. Above all, know that this is something that does take work, though social media makes it seem like people just have these great lives or you just need to join a Facebook group or something. But it's not impossible or complicated. The weird thing is, the more you extend acceptance to other people in a group context, the more you'll find belonging in yourself. And give yourself as much of a break as you can here. You are noticing something isn't right and that's a really good self-reflexive step. |
I'd never thought about systemic root causes this way. Thank you for frame this out at a social systems level.
I grew up in a medium-sized town where a lot of people, and most business people, were part of social organizations like Elk's Club, Rotary, bowling leagues, VFW, Knights of Columbus, softball teams, etc. I watched those social organizations wither as our city grew exponentially (from a surge of transplanted Californians driving our local tech renaissance and enjoying the relatively low property values), which seemed odd - more people should mean more members in these clubs? The way you frame it seems to explain this observation though - so many people moving in, dislocating the job market, being so far from family, etc. A by-product was the the death of those social clubs. Or maybe just the death of the existing social clubs I, as a local, was used to people joining as they came of age in our business and social community.
And of course, I eventually moved for school.... So I left my local Rotary Club and softball team...