[tomcam]

> I have a pattern of loneliness pushing me into making very foolish decisions

That’s pretty unusual self awareness. Respect. Glad you’re asking for help.

Let me proffer some of the obvious suggestions: D&D type of gaming (not for me but my adult child has met many great people that way), going to the gym, yoga class, chamber of commerce, get involved with a charity that means something to you, start going to church.

Try talking to people but when I say talking I really mean listening with all your heart, and being interested in them. Everyone has a story. If you’re genuinely interested, they will reveal everything within a few minutes. my kids make gentle fun of me for interviewing people, but I just like to listen to what people are really saying and respond by learning more about them. (If you are sincere it will incidentally help you enormously with women.)

A slightly less obvious one: get really good at something. When I do this I shoot to be better than about 80% of people, which you can usually do with raw work and without requiring some kind of genetic superiority. If you do it right the process is rewarding, and the outcome is also rewarding. Get fluent at a challenging language like Chinese or Arabic? Work out enough to get fairly ripped? Give away something great on GitHub? You’re a recruiter if your username applies, and maybe just focus on making a lot of money? That sounds shallow and you don’t have to take it very seriously, but I have learned that getting better than most people at some kind of lucrative or socially valued skill just helped me enormously, and you can you can usually do that simply by working hard and with common sense. The reason I harp on this angle is that when you’re pretty darn good at something, it attracts people. And getting good at something usually requires that you take on multiple topics well at once, which makes you feel better about yourself.

You can reach out to me via the email address in my profile and we can chat if you want. I have no agenda but I’m a decent listener.

[DevToRecruiter]

Thanks for the detailed response and the kind offer. I appreciate this advice especially the less obvious piece. The typical (hobbies, hang our in public places etc.) advice just haste historically worked for me however throwing myself into my business and keeping it as my number one goal has actually helped decrease my loneliness substantially. I didn't notice until you mentioned it but I vacillate between being ok with letting money driving me and feeling like above that nonsense. I'm currently in an "I'm above that" mode, which has allowed my mind has wander and loneliness to grow. Thanks for pointing this out, I appreciate it.

[tomcam]

> I vacillate between being ok with letting money driving me

To me there has never been anything wrong with money being one of my motivations, although I always balanced it with family life and enjoyment of the job.

I worked two or three jobs a day for a generation so I could have enough money. I wasn’t safe when I grew up, and I have never felt “above that” ;) My kids grew up safe. Money means I can take care of my family’s substantial medical bills and have some reserve if things get wonky. It means my farm is completely paid off, no mortgage and no credit card debt. Having money saved meant that when I was fired from one gig I could take nine months off to level up my skills and get the best job of my life. Money meant that we could get a new roof when we needed one, as opposed to spending years when I was a kid with pots strategically located under holes in the ceiling during winter.

Nothing wrong with treating money like the valuable tool it is. To me it’s amazing that you are able to turn the spigot on and off (not being facetious).

[ThenAsNow]

The single best antidote I have personally found against loneliness is staying busy doing things I really care about. If you would prefer something outside of work/career/projects, there's almost certainly some kind of self-improvement To-Do list you've built-up. Why not start tackling it with gusto?

[pavlov]

I’m really good at something and still suffer from devastating cosmic loneliness.

Don’t expect that putting 10,000 hours into something will solve any of your social issues.

[tomcam]

Man, sorry to hear that. OP asked for tips and those were mine. For me, as example, being a good programmer took me to one of the top software companies in the world and I met wonderful people. It worked for me but I guess I should’ve been clearer that these are just my suggestions. My best to you.

[aldebran]

May be you meet good people because of your other good qualities?

Or the other thing I thought you were going for- share your skill with people. For instance if you are a good photographer offer to take pics for Birthday parties or something. There’s your way to meet people.

[tomcam]

> share your skill with people.

Fantastic idea. That also worked for me but I wasn’t smart enough to mention it. Thank you.

[pavlov]

Thanks, I genuinely appreciate the sentiment.

My earlier reply was kind of blunt. My point was probably that one shouldn’t expect to solve personal issues by waiting for a turn in career or skills development. I lucked out in an unexpected way that put me in the 1%, with skills that happen to be in demand in the current frothy VC environment, and yet my emotional problems are exactly the same as ten years ago. Turns out it’s entirely orthogonal.

[tomcam]

Wow, what a story. I never really lucked out. I am naturally good at absolutely nothing. Everything I do requires a ridiculous amount of effort and a hideously ugly learning process. It is literally embarrassing. Also I just fail a lot. I think maybe this makes the successes a little bit sweeter?

[CTDOCodebases]

You are 100% right. Gaining a skill can lead to more social interaction (and/or a higher social status) but if you don’t have the skills to build and maintain personal relationships the extra interaction/status is wasted.

[BurningFrog]

It's just one of several things that can help. Not a guaranteed miracle cure.

However, doing nothing is very likely to lead to nothing.

[gzer0]

I just want to say, you are incredibly talented at your articulation of words and overall sentiment. I appreciate your comment.

[tomcam]

wow thank you!

[hdjjhhvvhga]

> going to the gym

I know this is anecdata but for me going to the gym is great but is an antithesis of a place when you make new relationships. I was going to a gym and a swimming pool for a couple of years and I met zero new people - practically no any discussions except an occasional "Hi!".

[aklemm]

A group tennis class or a soccer team or ultimate frisbee could be more useful.

[Jtsummers]

BJJ (and other martial arts) can also be good for developing social connections. You spar with a variety of people, and have the time before and after class to actually speak with them. You may have to hunt around for a good gym with a more positive community (I've had the pleasure of finding one, and the displeasure of being at one with people who took themselves too seriously), but it's pleasant.

But it's always better when the exercise itself is semi-social, not a solo activity. Cycling groups can work well or meeting people, but cycling on its own doesn't really help. Same with running and swimming.

[tomcam]

Agreed. Much improved suggestion.

[potta_coffee]

It depends on the type of gym. I started Jiu Jitsu and I found the culture to be really friendly (mostly - there are obviously some people who are not friendly). If you're just lifting at Planet Fitness you're obviously not going to meet new friends. Any place that fills a smaller niche and has it's own culture is somewhere you can meet people though - martial arts, Crossfit, etc. Just pick a niche with a culture that you vibe with and dive in.

[throwaway5486nv]

> start going to church

There are much better ways to beat loneliness. This only creates problem not just to the individual but to the society. Less religion is better.

[sershe]

There are Unitarian Universalist churches. I didn't like the vibe, but/because I think it works perfectly to what appears to be the target audience of people who cannot lie to themselves anymore about religion not being BS, but still want the social aspects of a church. But, it is a thing... people there are very kind in my experience. I though I was trying to be spiritual but the time I went was when I moved cities and was also pretty lonely for some time.

[wolverine876]

I'm not religious myself, but as I've grown I've also had to learn, ironically, that I'm not a god either - I'm not all-knowning about other people, about their beliefs, about their lives and experiences and needs. In fact, I'm very mortal; I know very little. I couldn't dismiss other people's beliefs as lies, but I see them as something beyond me, which I haven't yet grown to an understanding of. In the case of religion, I've come to understand it a little and some things it provides, things that human beings need. If I someday become religious, it won't be because of a lie.

I would hate to be religious on Hacker News and see my beliefs - maybe very important and personal to me, maybe the core my family and community - scorned and dismissed out of hand. In that respect, HN is not a place of wisdom, intellect, and learning.

[girvo]

> going to the gym

Not that it matters, but I've never managed to make friends going to the gym. Still love going of course and its worth doing, but at least for me and the gym I go to, its not really a social space.