[dougmwne]

I think you should talk to a therapist. They will help you work through issues like burnout, self-perception, self-acceptance, self-sabotage. Life is not easy and getting through a PHD program is not easy. Rewards do no scale linearly with aptitude or work effort. Our dreams usually do not reflect reality and it's easy to chase a fantasy and catch it to find nothing there. This will be a lifelong learning process.