[halkony]

I got an ADHD diagnosis at 25. Didn't really surprise me, but I went to see a physician with the intent purpose of getting meds to help me. I told the truth and was able to get a Vyvanse script pretty easily.

Interestingly, I didn't take the meds for very long, despite their more addictive qualities. About a year later, I had an emotional epiphany at a friend's wedding that cured the leftovers of my depression. It really rocked me to my core. Now my body experiences the world in a way I didn't know was possible.

I read in passing somewhere that ~35% of ADHD patients that take Adderall report therapeutic effects (like I had), but I don't recall the source. If anyone knew more about that I'd be interested to hear it.

[maybeadhd]

I'd be really interested in hearing about the epiphany you experienced, if it's something you're comfortable sharing.

[halkony]

Sure, I'm really open about my experience.

I've always been a sensitive person, but at 25, I found myself acting callously because of a history of being neglected. It was a reasonable choice for my life. Effective. I escaped poverty with that worldview and it was reinforced.

I went to a wedding last spring, and the powerful feelings that day made me more sensitive than usual. Something happened that really really made me feel like shit. I brought a date, and for a number of reasons, she acted very cold and distant with me. At times she was disgusted (which I empathized with, but had trouble dealing with). She ended up spending the night with another man. That made me feel awful.

Then something happened that really really made me feel good. This wedding was in my hometown. I had a friend I'd known during 6th grade, but we quickly grew apart because of my volatile domestic circumstances. I shared a lot with this friend about enjoying Actionscript3, even showing him code demonstrations on my laptop at school. The night of that wedding I learned from his mother that, though our friendship was brief, I deeply inspired him to start a successful business programming car engine computers. She told me directly, "I don't think you know how much you affected him." He was at that wedding with his wife and 4 year old daughter. And I thought "Damn, I'm such an amazing person that I inspired this man to start a business to provide for his family. So why do I feel like shit?"

I was on Adderall at the time, and I entered a state of mania. No model for my understanding of other people could reconcile the two feelings. It's simultaneously the most painful and wonderful thing that's ever happened to me. I ended up driving home at 3am after I sobered up. On that 3 hour drive I got to process all the feelings that didn't make sense to me. At some point, I looked into the darkness of the highway and a Jackson Pollock painting was staring back at me. It was surreal.

After struggling to find the words that morning, I found what I was looking for: We all build pillars of personality, and they are not as strong as we think they are. The moment those words popped into my head, I felt an immediate relief in my chest, around my heart. I used to feel like my mind had to consult my chest before I did anything. I leaned so much on my primal, animal responses without realizing it. And it destroyed my mental health. Now I could willingly feel any part of my body without agitating it. It was beautiful. For the next week I'd wake up in the morning and think "My body is so loose. Do I really feel this good?". Unbelievable.

Since then I stopped taking the Adderall, quit alcohol and quit drugs. That journey has been messy and it's taken time, but I'm proud of it. I learned that being proud of myself meant I had to be proud of the moments I've hurt people just as much as I'm proud of the moments I inspire people. Because that's what it means to be me -- not to live for what's right or what's wrong, but to live and simply be.