[bubblecheck]

This is my sixth night being 100% homeless (on the streets with no vehicle, no private place to go). Sleep for the past five nights has ranged from non-existent to a few nodding hours in long sleeves laying down in various public places.

Compared to a week ago, I finally started to notice cognitive decline today. My words don't come out as smoothly, and I have gaps in thoughts.

Frankly, it's nothing like it was seven years ago after a bad break-up. That time, I got maybe 2-7 hours of sleep a week for a solid two months or so. It is an awful feeling being wide awake, unable to sleep at all, yet: dead tired, suicidal in a persistent 24hr a day drawing-towards-death sense, utterly afraid and unable to actually follow through.

It's odd to me that my situation then was far, far better than it is now. Sleep these past five homeless evenings with a ruined life -- even missing a few nights and only catching a few hours these past few -- are far better than those restless post-breakup nights seven years ago.

My life fell apart since seven years ago in numerous ways. Programming and participation in technology, generally, for me is completely dead and has been for years now. Perhaps the extended sleep deprivation removed any remaining desire to live. I've certainly been dead inside since then, moreso than in the past.

Still unable to finish suicide. The desire doesn't go away, ever. The terrifying fear of death, however, seems unlikely to ever dissipate, so actually completing suicide seems increasingly unlikely as the decades pass. This has been an ongoing desire since grade school.

I am still awaiting the big sleep. It can't come soon enough.

[bubblecheck]

Also, just wanted to add a point. I find human culture to be garbage, and have found it to be garbage ever since experiencing an ongoing pattern of abuse as a child.

I experienced bullying and abuse as an adult as well: at work, hell, even on hn in past accounts.

Whether there are good people is irrelevant. There are shitty people everywhere. One can try to ignore them, but they are still part of this species. Primitive, babbling apes.

Again, death cannot come soon enough. I pray to God to please kill me in my sleep tonight. A prayer that has yet to be answered.

[modo_mario]

I have seriously noticed the effects of a lack of sleep on depression. Often depression kept me sleepness and vice versa. Please. Find a way to find proper sleep somewhere for a good few days. Force it upon yourself to catch up on it.

Even if you're seeing it all as just you being on your way out then consider there's no point in waiting for it in misery.

[bubblecheck]

I am living on the streets. Sleep is difficult.