[jayfae]

>so that tells me that all of the practice was for nothing and against my underlying nature

I've been through what I think is a similar cycle before and feel I can relate a little to this feeling ; I've tried to look at it as more of an unseen muscle group.

Although we can look at ourselves and say we've definitely lost 'socialising muscle mass' for a lack of a better word, I think the ease in which we can regain our muscle mass gets easier with each cycle.

I also like to think of it, like a balloon that represents our boundaries as a person and although our territorial boundary might shrink when we're isolated (deflate) with each stretching of our boundary it becomes easier to fill again?