[tunesmith]

As someone a little older, what is interesting is that it comes back around again. By which I mean, at first you start out desiring this joy you don't know how to access, and then later you feel mournful about what could have been... but honestly for me I found a third phase later, of realizing those abilities/passions/joys were always with me all along anyway. In school I was torn between music and creative writing - I chose to major in music. I've always been good at logic, though. I started out completely certain I'd only go into programming long enough to get out of college debt, and then quit and commit to music. I was distraught for a while, unable to come with a plan to support myself with music, so I never stopped programming. Over time (a long time), I put together my first cd, a seven-song EP of jazz/pop piano/singing that I am still very proud of, and I think it is really good representation of the best I could do at that time. But I was still attached to my younger ideas of success, so when it received pretty much zero sales beyond family and friends, that really upset me for a while, and I got discouraged abut music. Kept programming; this is when I was freelancing. Years pass, slowly started getting back into music, improving at jazz, having music friends over at the living room and medium size grand piano my career paid for. That's fun. Found some time during COVID to restart the creative writing website I had first started twenty-five years ago. It still works, and I enjoy upgrading it to modern tech, and through the site have started writing more with friends. And then I wrote a novel in November, figured out how to typeset it and ordered myself a 6x9 trade paperback of it for Christmas. I'm proud of it. Don't even care to try publishing it. Still programming. I guess over the years, I've just realized that I freaking love programming. Breaking things down, turning complicated problems into simple solutions. And not am I only able to continue doing that, and get paid, but I still know how to play piano, can still sing, and this year discovered I can even write a novel. It's all... just pretty damn cool over all, and many of my earlier regrets and "what could've beens" have just mostly fallen away. I guess it just took thirty years or so to figure out how to get out of my own damn way.

(For OP, you can still go do 20 pushups, learn a simple guitar song to the point of self-enjoyment, write a small video game that makes you and your family laugh.)

[marapuru]

Thanks for this excellent comment. It reminds me of a letter I wrote my dad last year for his birthday. It was called: "The summit isn't necessary", where I thanked him for his words on enjoying life for yourself by simply enjoying it and not comparing to others or overreaching to _win_.