[CodeGlitch]

> why take on responsibility through having children? Why not pickup any other type of responsibilty? like, community service, tutoring/helping kids from less fortunate places or in the worst case even Picking up more responsibility from work?

The other day I was flicking through my notepad in my home office and found hand written notes from my 6 year old daughter saying how much she loved me. Yes kids are a massive responsibility, but the payback you get if you do it right is immeasurable.

I'm not sure you'd get quite the same from the things you listed, perhaps a little...?

Anyway what is suggest is you enjoy your 20s, but make sure you are in a position to have kids by your early 30s... Otherwise it may be too late for your other half (women's clocks do tick rather fast). If you wait until she is 40 then you are really risking it.

[tmnstr85]

Imagine what happens when it doesn't go right with children and you're in this situation. I have a daughter who caught bacterial meningitis at birth and had to have a brain surgery to solve the infection. Her existence is tragic, she is with us but she is going to have a lifetime of challenges and we've already been through the ringer. Now ever day is like waking up with a mortal wound, and to have other kids who need our help and support, its not rewarding. Add in a job where the culture is toxic and you're being persecuted for doing your job well. its not worth it... none of its worth it.

[bckr]

Thanks for expressing this. I think it gets left out of the conversation due to stigma. People are expected to say how happy they are to have disabled children because anything less is, I suppose, considered inhumane.

However, it's very humane to bring to other people's attention that their prospective children might not be healthy.

[emodendroket]

They might not, but is there any way you can live where you're free from the risk of terrible calamity? If you become close to another person, you don't know if they'll get hit by a car tomorrow and suddenly leave you grieving in a way you'd never be if you never met them in the first place.

[bckr]

> is there any way you can live where you're free from the risk of terrible calamity?

No.

> and suddenly leave you grieving in a way you'd never be

And we should consider that when deciding to enter a relationship.

[emodendroket]

The notion of a life lived without any relationships with other people seems too grim to contemplate.

[bckr]

I find it helpful to contemplate just that. Helps me realize that I am in all of my relationships through choice and to appreciate them before their inevitable end.

[sjtindell]

Thanks for sharing this. I hope you find a way through and wish your family the best.

[nickd2001]

Very sorry to hear this. Its hugely challenging, in ways that IMHO most people can't comprehend /imagine. In my experience, sibling(s) of a severely disabled person, while they get things put on them that are unfair, also can emerge with great resilience, caring nature, and extra qualities they wouldn't have otherwise had. Perhaps leading to greater happiness. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" . IMHO there's no real problem caring for a severely disabled person, if the rest of society understood a bit more, and things were better resourced, high quality respite easily available etc, people were willing to pay a bit more tax to help others in need. But the world isn't like that. There are hacks though. Thank goodness for working in tech, where one can at least earn decent money and throw money at challenges. Could you and your partner work 4 days a week each and have a weekday off together? That may be an effective way to get respite and some time together. Best wishes :)

[optymizer]

Here's some "clock" info from my fertility doctor I wish I knew when I was 20-something:

35 is roughly the cutoff for "everything's going to be fine without much effort or thinking", so plan ahead.

That's when you're going to start getting help from fertility doctors, consider IVF, get test results showing that your own sperm's motility is not perfect (i.e. you've got a clock too), higher chances of Down syndrome, etc.

For some folks that's not a lot of time to get married, buy a house, a car, get a stable job and bring your financial situation in order. These aren't strict requirements, but the amount of stress involved when one of them is missing is something you'll have to handle, so at the very least you and your partner shouldn't be completely oblivious of the soft deadline at 35.

[andreilys]

I'm not sure you'd get quite the same from the things you listed, perhaps a little...?

The note from your daughter, while sweet, can also come from those you help. For example, sponsoring a childrens school in India, or mentoring an orphan through a Big Brother program.

I think the main point here is you are in service by helping others, instead of focusing on yourself.

[redisman]

If the customer relations specialist from one of the charities I donate to wrote me a note about how much they love me I’m not sure how I would feel about that

[emodendroket]

It could be but realistically, is that going to be anywhere close to as moving from someone you've never met? And on their side too, they may appreciate the help, but you're not exactly going to replace their parents in their hearts. It's just a totally different level of engagement.

[andreilys]

Big brother/sister programs are highly personal where you interact with the person directly.

I imagine it’d be incredibly fulfilling to know that you helped coach a troubled youth through a turbulent period to land in a good place.