Maybe I shouldn't press the point too hard, but the Millenials are Killing X[1] snowclone was already popular by 2016. That plus phrases like "Good ol' Mayo is the Taylor Swift of condiments", "some kind of deviant", etc. are a pretty big giveaway, at least IMO.
I got bored a few paragraphs in and nothing in that made me even suspect that it may be satire. The prose is the "poor imitation of the New Yorker" style that is very common in long boring and entirely serious articles.