[aradox66]

Your perception of yourself and your life is being distorted by depression. The intellect tries to make this about "meaning," or who you are, but it's not really about that.

You're not a parasite, and the people who care about you don't think you're a loser. You're okay, and it sucks that you're going through this, but nothing is wrong with you. You're just having a rough spot, which is normal and common, especially in these times. If anyone says otherwise (including or especially yourself) they're wrong.

I agree that therapy is a good idea here. If you've had trouble finding a local therapist, use the betterhelp or talkspace app - it's very easy to get connected to a therapist there.

Wishing you the best in moving forward with all this.

[obviouslyfake]

The saddest thing is that nobody seems to understand having depression is not my choice

I don't want to be depressed no more than anyone else

I don't want to be that person of which everyone thinks as depressed, it hurts

[semi-extrinsic]

I don't know, but have you considered taking some of your time to contribute somewhere helping others, either humans, animals, or nature around you? There are even things like the Rewilding movement where you don't really need to interact with anyone in person, and you can make a very tangible meaningful change, at your own pace.

[obviouslyfake]

I am, but i don't know anyone who could use my help

and why would they want me to help them and not somebody else?

[toastercat]

There are a ton of non-profits that appreciate help from anyone.

On another note, I was depressed and isolated a couple years ago after a breakup, living alone in a city on the other side of the country from my family and friends. Ultimately what got me out of my rut was regular exercise at the gym and reading Feeling Good by David Burns.

I can't recommend that book enough. Much of the philosophy behind it is rooted in Greek Stoicism, so if you just wanna cut to that maybe take a look at Marcus Aurelius or William Irvine's Guide to the Good Life.

What's important though is to not spend your energy trying to meet some invisible metric of "being useful", and instead be able to recognize the cognitive distortions that are causing you to be depressed.

[semi-extrinsic]

That's why I suggested doing something like Rewilding. Nature doesn't care who you are. As long as there is a need for someone to introduce biodiversity and native plants in the area where you live, then probably no-one else is helping. So you can make the number of people in your neighbourhood caring about that go from zero to one.

[ac2u]

Clean your living space.

Then find somewhere where people are littering, and get a picker and clean that up too. Take a before and after photo. You'll soon find out that you're not useless.

Eventually that will help give you the answer to:

>and why would they want me to help them and not somebody else?

If you're having trouble with the above, speaking to a professional therapist might help.

[ksml]

I don't think anyone is saying depression is your choice. No one chooses to be depressed, and I would never judge someone badly for being depressed. There's no shame in that. It's what you do about it that matters.

Therapy can take time to make a difference, but I would encourage you to give it a try!

[diego]

Brain chemistry is weird, perhaps some combination of therapy and antidepressants could help. It sounds like you can afford it, so why not give it a shot.