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My mom just went through surgery and chemo and cancer from last February to about September and luckily made it through, only to have a heart attack this spring, and then luckily made it through that. So I'm grateful and yet it's been a long 1.5 years. One thing I learned is that while there may be a lot of things in common with having someone go through chemo, there also may be a lot that differs, so what I say here may or may not apply to your situation. In our case, she seemed to do very well with the chemo, all things considered. I had deep fears of how much it would wreck her, and it did take all of her energy for about a week and then she would start to get it back and then get chemo the third week and it'd start again. The hair falling out was a huge identity shock and I think brought some embarrassment/shame—getting a wig seemed to help. We also felt grateful, in a way, that it was happening during covid, because then there wasn't a lot of social pressure to go outside to see other people. One thing that somewhat came as a surprise: someone having to do all the things in the family that she would normally do. My mom has done a lot of the cooking and cleaning of the house and paid bills and such. When she was bedridden or exhausted for the week, there were a lot of things that needed to get done but not many of us knew how to do them. So, as others have suggested, taking help to get things done or sharing amongst your family to step up and do them can really help keep things going, so that other things don't start falling apart. The other main thing I noticed was how people in the family may react differently to it, some feeling more afraid, some more angry, some more helpless, some more strong, some more sad, some more empowered, etc. For some reason, I didn't feel too much fear, as I think I believed she would get through it and that most was taken out with the surgery, and I also tend to feel stronger and more focused in crisis situations. Others in my family reacted differently and so I found myself trying to be there for them as well, including people in my extended family for whom I wasn't traditionally the contact person. So, while it may be impacting you and your mother a lot, it may be impacting those in your extended family and even family friends, and not necessarily for you to help them, but just to remember that it's a team effort to try to fill in all the roles, and it's ok to give help and it's ok to receive help in these times. Lastly, I'm just really grateful you reached out to HN to ask for help on this. I don't know what if anything that I said will help you. I know one of the things that helped me the most when I found out she was diagnosed was crying into my friends arms and him telling me that his dad had also struggled with cancer for many years. I think before that moment, I, for some reason, assumed not that many people had gone through this. After opening up and sharing with him and others, I heard more and more how unfortunately common cancer is. In a way, I realized that I'm not alone in experiencing this and that more people cared about me and my mom than I had ever imagined. |