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by burnished 1698 days ago
What sort of advice has helped you?
1 comments

Caveat: by sheer dumb luck, I've never actually had this problem, but I am painfully aware that history would only have to be a tiiiiny bit different and I would have the problem. (It's possible I have a secret talent for binding together friend groups, but it totally doesn't feel that way.) I'm forming this advice by looking over my life and identifying why I'm in such a fortunate position.

The standard advice is: friendship is formed from proximity; repeated unplanned interactions; and a setting which encourages people to let their guard down. This seems extremely true. Sometimes luck puts you in a position where you can't avoid these interactions with people who are near you a lot, but if you're finding that it's not happening naturally, look at which of those is lacking in your current activities and see whether you can increase them.

Case study: choir or orchestra (remember that "unplanned interactions" can take place in a planned setting). There's a shared goal among people in close proximity; there are very often periods of unplanned downtime and hence casual interaction while the conductor focuses on some other subgroup of the choir to yours; smallish (~30 person) choirs naturally form into nicely conversation-sized groups among the parts anyway; the nature of the activity is already skewed towards publicly making a fool of yourself (everyone around you can hear your wrong notes!) so everyone's sensitivity to social convention is slightly suppressed.

Debugging example: perhaps you attend a club so are regularly in proximity to people and there's the chance for unplanned interactions, but you're finding that conversations just don't naturally happen (this is me all the time!). That suggests there's some combination of you and the setting which is not encouraging people to let their guard down. The easy-mode hack is to decamp to the pub afterwards (even if you hate pubs, I can't stand them but they do the job extremely well) and let the group's collective guard go down with alcohol. It'll be easiest if they already have some friendships among the group, so that some people are already being open with each other. Remember that you might be part of the problem here, so consider erring on the side of being uncomfortably open yourself.

And in college, remember that however painful it is, there are so many people around; if you mess up somewhere, you can literally just never see those people ever again if necessary.