[throwaway803453]

18 years ago, I suddenly lost my best friend, business partner, lab partner, roommate -- my soulmate. My grief was an endless abyss and I engaged in self-destructive behavior in hopes to find something that would ease the emotional pain. Nothing worked and this went on for years.

If I could be transported today and visit my former self at that time, it's not clear my words or presence would make any difference since even in this hypothetical scenario there is no "I understand what you are going through" unless you are in the same abyss at the same time. What may have made the difference is if I could have visited myself a month prior to his accident and told myself to commit to the Jewish practice of the Shiva (7 days of mourning). It at least would have put in my mind a time-box goal. But telling myself after the fact would have been too late since I was barely conscience in a meaningful sense.

Also depending on the circumstance, prolonged depression, or thoughts of revenge as a path to end your emotional pain, may be unavoidable. In S.Junger's book "Tribe" he discusses evolutionary basis for depression. If someone dies that is demographically similar to you and in your Tribe, then your brain makes you depressed because historically humans died violent deaths. The benefit of depression is that it makes you inconspicuous (e.g., hunched to reduced physical size, quiet, sleepy) which put you out of harms way. This is more true if your tribe is small and revenge is not practical.

So to anyone reading this, please commit now to timebox your inevitable future mourning periods. 7 days is perhaps too ambitious since in our time we confront death less frequently than when that Jewish law was prescribed. But you should set some goal. You owe it to the deceased to minimize the time in your life where you aren't alive in a meaningful sense. saadalem I regret and recognize I didn't answer your question or provide optimism. Fortunately advice mentioned in the other comments are really good and after reading some of them, it would have definitely helped me during that time.

[Zababa]

I like the idea of reserving a time to do nothing but grieve, thanks for sharing that.

> You owe it to the deceased to minimize the time in your life where you aren't alive in a meaningful sense

I don't agree with that. I don't think I "owe" them in any sense, just like I don't consider that they owe me anything.