[throwaway984393]

I know this is irrational and not very helpful, but it actually makes me angry when I see a response like "but you can cobble together some janky custom code with Workers to do what you want".

It's like going to a restaurant, asking if they have shrimp scampi, and getting a reply that you can go to a supermarket and buy the ingredients and make the dish and bring it back to the restaurant to have with your meal.

Just tell me you don't have shrimp scampi.