[magneticnorth]

So first suggestion is that it sounds like you could benefit from talking to a therapist. You're self-sabotaging, and it sounds like you know that, and this is a super, super common, normal behavior that a therapist will likely be able to help you talk through.

As for money advice: Can you automate some saving, and have that happen before your money hits your bank account? E.g. if your workplace offers a 401k, you should definitely be maxing that out, and that means your employer will save that money before you have access to it, and doing that for long enough will set you up for retirement even if you mis-manage the rest of your pay.

If you can set up more systems like that, you should! You may be able to set up an after-tax account at fidelity or vanguard or similar that automatically gets a portion of your paycheck deposited in, and you can set it up to automatically buy stocks/bonds/reits on a regular schedule. That money would still be accessible, but you'd have to sell your investments and wait a few days to transfer into a checking account, which might be enough friction to help keep it saved.