| In my own life, I have spent many, many years, dealing with some of the most difficult people on Earth. Many, who have yet to learn the tools of nonviolent (as in "Not picking up a chair, and breaking it over your head" nonviolent) feedback. There's something to be said for trying to confront someone that could break you in two, has severe psych issues, and Bic-pen-ink tattoos. It sort of helps you to focus on outcomes. In my experience, starting by laying out a platform of common goals and achievements is always a great icebreaker. i.e. ME: "We've really made a lot of progress on the fundraising, but we still have to get the registration packets done, and the catering menus finished, in time for the conference." I've found that ignoring personal insults and blamethrowing is useful. BIG BUTCH: "Well, you were so busy riding your high horse, trying to impress Cathy, that you never checked on my team." ME: "You're right. I should have checked in to see if you could use help. So here we are, and I need your help to deliver the packets to Joe's committee. How can we get this done?" Note how I sidestepped horses and Cathy? She'd probably be crushed that I ignored her, but she was irrelevant to the conversation. Also, it always helps to give them some authority and "upper hand." Then, there is the firing conversation: ME: "I'm afraid that I can't work with your team, any longer. I've found that I can't be productive in our work. I'll need to find someone else to work with." There's really no need for "constructive feedback," since The Die Is Cast. If they want that, I am happy to give it, but the main subject needs to be made clear and unambiguous. The relationship is at an end. The time for negotiations and bargaining is over. I've learned that "weasel words" can be incredibly self-destructive. They leave the appearance of "gaps" that aren't actually there. They are dishonest, and paint me as a coward; which can be taken as weakness. If the decision has been made, then I can't allow it to be second-guessed or misinterpreted. Plain vernacular is worth its weight in gold. If I need to have a couple of bruisers with billy clubs available, then I can have them file in quietly, after we're settled. I think that treating people with respect, at all times, is really, really important. Choosing the venue (like not confronting them in front of others) can go a long way towards helping to reach my goals. Everyone deserves respect; even those that refuse to give me respect. |
All are possible paths, all lead to different outcomes that might interest you. How do you know on the spot that the issue you came with is more relevant than the new information you just learned from Butch?