[ema]

I tried so hard to make everything go as I wanted that I increasingly avoided situations where I couldn't predict how they would go. That included stuff like talking about my feelings or asking for a favor or eventually going grocery shopping(anything could happen!! ;). Of course those are all pretty useful things and my difficulty with them convinced me even more that I had to absolutely make sure I had covered every eventuality.

[crdrost]

This is also a deep principle of physics. Very simple systems can be "linear" and you can say "okay, if you tweak this little knob, e.g. increase the input, then such-and-so is what must happen, e.g. an increase in the output." But most interactions and feedback loops and so forth create a "complex system" and the result of tweaking one knob is not always what you'd expect -- you add more cars to a freeway and the throughput drops radically. Sounds like you were turning up the "control things" knob, and things got progressively more out of control -- this is quite common.

Another example is that often people who give up dieting will lose weight and keep it off. What matters is not the calories but the health of the relationship with food, and if the diet is taking an unhealthy relationship and making it even more dysfunctional, then how could it help?

Of course, you found the Buddhist solution which is quite meritorious in its own right and served me well at a difficult time in my life. There is also a Christian mystic solution which has similar aspects.