[murm]

It's hard to say anything without knowing your situation in detail, but to me you sound more like you're just deeply lost rather than your life is messed up beyond repair. If you really focus and put your heart, soul and effort into something you can make astounding progress in just a few years, so mid-thirties does not sound too old in that regard.

You seem to have a felt sense of wasting your life by continuing to live it like this. That would imply that on some level you know that there's something you could and should be doing instead that you would be satisfied with, and your emotional systems are trying to signal to you that you're not doing that now. I would suggest you work on these crude signals and try to articulate the vision that's embedded in them into words to bring it into a form more comprehensible to yourself.

Here's a few questions: what would a properly lived life look like? What would you need? What could you do in your (lowly, confusing) situation to help yourself if you decided to do things properly, and humbly started to grab the opportunities that are presented to you right now, no matter how small and beneath you they might appear to you?