[bayesian_horse]

You didn't say you want to be in charge of your life and not a burden. You said you'd rather want to be dead than a "burden" to others.

The way relationships especially with family works is that they'd usually rather have you be "a burden" than dead.

Also it is very hard not to project that attitude on other people who would be "a burden to others". It is hard for them not to think you want them dead or at least find them extremely worthless.

[nextlevelwizard]

As someone who recently had to watch a family member completely deteriorate I am comfortable that mixed in with the grief was relief. Of course I would rather have them back, but knowing the condition they were in my selfishness isn't fair towards them and if anything their passing showed me that if possible I want to go out on my own terms from my two standing feet instead of bed ridden and hospitalized.

[bayesian_horse]

So I hope what you are saying is that this "deterioration" was genuine suffering like disease and pain, and not just some behavior or social state you believed to be burdensome on you.

But that just isn't the same. Wishing somebody to die - because of intense and hopeless suffering - is in my opinion neither something to be judged nor to be enthusiastically welcomed. I think we should ideally neither wish suffering nor death to anyone. These can become conflicting goals, when death seems to be the only relief from the suffering. As a veterinary student I have killed animals to relieve them from suffering. Veterinary professionals have some of the highest suicide rates in many countries, one suspected reason being compassion fatigue. The only way I see to avoid the emotional consequences is to try and not "wish" either death nor prolonged suffering.

There are a lot of reasons for "being a burden" that don't involve nearly as much suffering and don't instill a will to die in people. Accepting that you sometimes (and almost inevitably, with age) you become a burden to society is hard. But the perception of "burden" often ignores intangible aspects. Not everyone who "is a burden" feels depressed about it, and I don't believe all of them to be selfish.

That is why I believe "I'd rather die than be a burden" is a burden to oneself and others.

[nextlevelwizard]

All we can do is to agree to disagree. I know that if I couldn't communicate and needed someone to take care of me 24/7 then I'd rather be dead.

[bayesian_horse]

I can understand this and I respect your opinion. In my view, "not communicating and needing help 24/7" would imply a suffering distinct from just the feeling of helplessness or the desire not to be a burden. Such suffering does often lead to a wish to die, and one which may be distinct from the more psychotic wish to die ("suicidal ideation"). The latter is unfortunately much more common, and research shows it is not caused by circumstances but rather by psychiatric condition like depression. Unemployment for example, does not seem to cause suicide attempts, statistically, even though one might think there should be a correlation.

Also, I'd be careful to assume to know what I'd be feeling when I would be in such a situation. I'd be hesitant of my ability to judge for others if they'd rather have me dead, and I'd hope I would have serious misgivings in asking or wishing them to take steps in that direction.

In these things I like to apply concepts from Buddhist philosophy. Desire leads to suffering, where "desire" is more precisely defined as "wishing something that is wouldn't". Also, causing suffering or death does damage to the Karma, in Buddhist teachings. For me, this is reflected in personal experience and even some scientific findings that hurting people or even animals, does some damage to the psyche, if only in the process of getting numb to such feelings.

[rhizome]

With the amount of effort and condescension you put into these comments picking apart a simple sentiment of "that would totally suck," it seems apparent that one thing you absolutely do not do is respect their opinion.