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I think though the overly positive replies in this thread are a bit... misleading. And frankly read a lot like something extremely religious people would write about their newfound religion. It doesn't read like rational discourse. Of course, once you already have children, you are not going to be regretting it. It would just feel horrible to do so. The children, no matter how difficult they might make your life, are innocent little creatures, and you make it work - what else are you going to do? And the effort you put in, helps with the bonding. And of course you try to focus on the positives and forget the negatives - for your own wellbeing and sanity. What's misleading is that the people replying are not considering the counterfactual in good faith. What would their life be like had they not taken the plunge? After all, it probably wasn't all that horrible before they made the decision either. Could it be that other options would've made their life better? Perhaps, the stress of children had led to deterioration in their relationship with their spouse, or made both of them age a lot, and they would've been able to enjoy each other's company so much more without. Perhaps it meant they had to give up some of their childhood dreams. Perhaps they had to cling to a job they didn't particularly like (or, indeed, hate) because they could no longer afford to take risks. Perhaps they no longer had the time to grind leetcode and get into a FAANG. Perhaps they would've got the benefits of having children and fewer of the downsides by caring for their nieces and nephews instead, or by just getting a cat. Otherwise it becomes meaningless. You could ask someone that had children at the age of 16 if they regret it, and you would probably get the same responses as in this thread - 'of course not, best thing that ever happened to me; yes it has been tough, yes it meant I had to make sacrifices with my education and career, but I wouldn't trade the experiences with my child for anything in the world'. Yet we all recognize that having children at 16 is not the smartest idea. |
The only useful semi-rational heuristic I can ascribe to my general stance is that: before I had kids, life was objectively much easier, but I had many regrets and suffered greatly from causes of my own invention. After having kids, my kids are the cause of my suffering and I have no regrets about it. Biology assists you there because it makes you love them even though they are frequently the cause of your suffering.
One of the other _pragmatic_ reasons for having kids that I didn’t actually notice until after having kids, is that old people seem to often (but not always) become confused, lonely, and out of touch with modern realities and culture. Family creates, for many, a lifelong bond that bucks this tendency. Of course there are other stressful bonding scenarios that do this, like for combat vets, but seldom are they so cross-generational. The perspective shifts are also quite powerful, and there’s an amazing amount of high quality children’s media (especially books) that are no less powerful for being written in an ELI5 way…sorta like how good coders write lots of good code easily and great coders write only a tiny bit of code that seems totally obvious to everyone upon reading, but that was never done before. Anyway, most of that stuff I know I would have missed.
Along similar lines, you get exposed to a much more diverse community: the parents of your children’s friends, and various other child-centered communities. Almost all of my closest friends today, I only met as a side-effect of having kids. There’s probably a counterfactual for the childless but I haven’t lived that life and don’t know anything about it!
There are countless pragmatic reasons not to have kids. I think when people ask, “do you regret this life,” it is their lizard-brain kicking in, nudging then towards “yes it is time.” For those of us who have had them, our own lizard-brains kick in with their own reply. An ancient call and response.
After all, all the people smart enough not to have kids never achieved offspring to carry on that lifestyle, and likewise for the pack/community that discourages ever having kids.
As an atheist, my respect goes out to the “achildists” for bucking the trend: it is a dying breed by definition. As a “childist,” like some sort religious nut, all I can do when confronted with the question “do you regret having kids” is share what is in my heart: having kids is tough but I don’t regret it.
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If someone was asking: “should I have kids?” then the answer might be very different! I’d probably say: “…no, why would you want to do that??” If someone is wondering about regrets, though, then they either have kids and have regrets or they are already feeling the call and asking for a lifeline to resist it. In either case, “sorry bub, your lizard-brain won, it’s too late, but here’s what you can look forward to.”